Terri's Peep Hut ~~ Fiction Archive

The Cost of Things

Title: Alter-Eighteen: The Cost of Things

Author: Terri

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I take full ownership of my Jean issues, though.

Archive: Ask, and I will gladly provide.

Feedback: Please? Pretty please?

Summary: Alternative version of events in the eighteen series. Logan acts first, and figures out what it costs him and Rogue later.

Comments: You know how I said maybe some of my Jean issues were working themselves out, and I'd be nicer to her from here on out? Ha! Hahahahahahahaha! Jean issues never die, they just hibernate until your brbf asks for a fic with a nice Scott (she's REALLY beginning to have a thing for him.) and the angst demons take up residence in your computer. Sorry, Jean. I swear, one day, I will write a nice Jean. Really. Uh-huh.

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It was like my heart stopped, broke wide open, and bled. It had to have felt worse for Scott. Yes, Logan knew I cared about him, but Scott and Jean were married. It must have been a thousand times worse for Scott when the two of us chanced upon them in the garden. And the way they were-Jean half bent over a concrete bench, Logan taking her roughly from behind. That made it worse too.

Neither one of us said anything, and neither Logan nor Jean were alerted to our presence. It was surreal, really. We both stopped, watched for maybe five seconds, then turned away in unison and left. Neither one of us spoke, and Scott just numbly followed me back to my room. We sat beside one another on my bed for at least twenty minutes without talking at all. It was me that finally broke the silence.

"I just don't understand."

"He's-he's always wanted her. I just-I didn't think she'd really do it after we got married. I thought it was."

"No, Scott, I don't understand Logan. I know-I know he wants her, but he loves me. I know it. I'm sure of it. Positive. I have him in my head. I just."

"She-I guess she loves him. Since-since he came back, she's been" Poor Scott, so completely devastated.

"I'm so sorry Scott." And I was. It was my fault somehow. Logan loved me, but I didn't do the right things, or I wasn't enough to keep him away from Jean. And now Scott had to hurt because of it.

"It's" He just broke down crying then, he couldn't even say it wasn't my fault. I just put my arms around him and let him cry it out. I started crying too. We stayed that way for a long time, hours.

I'm still not sure exactly how it happened or who touched who first, but Scott and I made love that afternoon in my bed, over and over. And it wasn't angry sex, or even about revenge at all. It was gentle, and loving, and good. It was two people coming together out of pain, trying to soothe the hurt they knew so well in the other person. After the last time, I cried and he cried a little more too. We both knew why we were crying. For me, it was because I'd always wanted my first time to be with Logan. For him, because he'd never wanted it to be with anyone but Jean any more.

Logan came to my room to get me for dinner that night, as usual. He knocked, but I told him not to come in, and that I'd see him for breakfast. I never knew if he smelled Scott, or my tears, or knew at all that something was wrong.

Scott and I lay in bed until after it was dark. We talked then. About the both of them, about what we would do now. Scott said that he wanted to leave Jean, and he didn't say it angry, just sad and resigned. I think he really just couldn't take what happened, couldn't even think of any possible way to repair it and move on, even if Jean didn't want to leave him for Logan. I said that I wanted to leave, that I couldn't bear to look at Logan now, that there was no future with someone who had sex with other women even when he loved me.

I was surprised when Scott said he'd help me leave, tonight if I wanted, but in retrospect, I shouldn't have been. If he hadn't been team leader, if he'd been like me - just out of high school, no real attachments to the mansion other than the one person who'd betrayed you-I think he would've left too. Scott gave me the keys to his jeep and helped me pack. Jean was looking for him that night-she even went to the Professor for help, I heard later. Scott's pretty good at shielding from her when he wants to. He snuck into their room when she was out looking for him, and raided their safe. He gave me $1500 and a credit card that was his, personally. We hugged each other one last time, and that was it.

Somethin's wrong. Very wrong. Marie didn't come down for dinner last night, and she hasn't missed dinner since I came back. I coulda sworn I smelled someone else in her room, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Still too much of Jeannie clinging to me. The way Marie's voice was-never heard that tone before, either. Real detached, real unemotional. Somethin's very wrong.

Whatever it is, I'm not gonna compound it by sayin' anything about Jeannie. No one ever needs to know about that, and especially not Marie or Scooter. It was a mistake, plain and simple. We both know that. I know Marie'll be curious about where I was all day yesterday, and I don't wanna lie to her, but this is one of those situations where there's just no way to tell the truth. It'll hurt her, bad. And it's never gonna happen again with Jeannie, that's over. No one needs to know.

"Marie?" That's not like her, leavin' the door open, and I-shit! Shit! Where's all her stuff? She's-did she move rooms or somethin' and why wouldn't she tell me that?

Fuck. Oh, fuck. My tags. My tags on her dresser with a note underneath. Goddammit!

Logan,

I'm letting you out of your promise to take care of me. I loved you.

Marie

Fuck! What coulda happened to make her do that? There's nothin'-wait, wait, that smell, I know that smell. Someone else was in her room. Scooter. It was Scooter and-fuck! They couldn't know. They couldn't know. Shit, but if they did, she'd run like this. Fuck.

"Goddammit, I know you know somethin' about it! You were in her room. She can't be out there all by herself, it's fuckin' dangerous, don't you know that?"

"She'll be fine, Logan. Magneto, Sabretooth, Mystique-they're all in prison. Rogue can take care of herself."

"You know somethin'. Fuckin' tell me!"

"I don't think you should be asking me for any favors right now, Logan. I think fucking my wife is quite enough."

"Shit, did you tell her that?! Is that why she left?! You son of a bitch, I-"

"Calm down, and get your hands the hell off me. I didn't tell her, Logan. We saw you. In the garden."

"Don't go after her. If you ever cared about her at all, if you ever cared about her as more than some kid you had to take care of, don't go after her."

"You - you know where she is, don't you?"

"No."

"Fuckin' liar. Tell me where she went!"

"Why? Why don't you just go down the hall and fuck my wife some more, Logan? Isn't that what you really want? Go ahead, you can have her. I don't want her anymore."

"What happened there was a mistake. It didn't mean anythin'. Not for me and not for her."

"No. That's where you're wrong. It meant enough to you, you wanted it enough to throw Rogue away for it. And Jean wanted it enough to break her marriage vows. Rogue and I-we're just in the way of that, aren't we? We're just in the way of your grand passion for one another."

"That ain't how it is. That ain't how it is at all."

"Now who's lying?"

"Rogue, she's a kid, she's not ready for-"

"If you really loved her, you'd deal with that. You know, you've fooled her pretty good about that. She's so sure that you *do* love her, even after seeing you and Jean together. That's what really broke her heart."

"Shut up!"

"Don't like to hear the truth, huh? Well, I've only got a few more things to say. I don't know where Rogue went, and I wouldn't help you even if I did. I don't give a damn what you and Jean do now, but it's finished between she and I. And Rogue didn't look like a kid to me last night. She looked an awful lot like a woman when we made love."

"You shouldn't have done that, Scott."

"He came at me first. With his claws. He'll heal, Jean, don't worry."

"Scott, I-"

"There's really nothing to say. I'll file for divorce on Monday. You can have whatever you want of our things."

"Scott, please, just let me-"

"I don't want to hear it. I don't. There's literally not a single thing you could say that would make a difference."

"P-please.I didn't mean to."

"Yes, you did. You did, Jean."

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please-"

"Goodbye, Jean."

"Hey there. How are you feeling?"

"Like somebody blasted a hole through my chest."

"Somebody did."

"Yeah, figured."

"You're healing nicely, though."

"Jeannie, don't. Don't do that."

"What? You don't want me to touch you now?"

"No, I don't. I gotta-I gotta go after Rogue."

"Logan, she's-she's-"

"I fucked up. We made a mistake, and I gotta try to fix it. I fucked up real bad."

"Logan, you don't even know where she is. And she obviously doesn't want to see you right now. Maybe-maybe you should just let her cool down a little, give her some space and time."

"No. I gotta find her."

"Logan-"

"I'm sorry, Jeannie. I am. We shoulda never done that."

"Please don't say that. Please, just-don't-don't you care about me at all?"

"Yeah, darlin', I do. But it ain't love or even close."

"We could..we could love one another. If we tried."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I could. I'm sorry, Jeannie, I really am. I don't think I could."

She's been here, and recently. The bathroom in here still smells like her. She's movin' fast, but I'm only maybe three or four days behind. I can move fast too.

She hasn't been real subtle, and that bothers me. Means someone out to get her for some bad reason could find her pretty easy. Also probably means that the part of me in her head-she's not drawin' on that to help her. Maybe she can't take that right now, I don't know.

Westchester. Quakertown. Erie. South Bend for two days. Now Jefferson City. Headin' west and south. Wonder if she knows I'm follwin' and is tryin' to throw me off. Coulda jumped the border after Erie, thought she probably would, but she didn't. She's gotta be tryin' to get to Alaska, though. That's all she ever talks about in terms of goin' somewhere. Gotta be Alaska. I'll find her eventually, no question.

The question is-what the hell do I say to her when I do? I know-I know she thinks she's in love with me. Hell, she probably is. Or was. And she's right, I do love her, and not like a kid. Problem is I have no idea how all that added up to me fuckin' Jeannie. I don't even have any idea why I did it myself, so how am I gonna explain that one to her? Sorry, baby, but I just hadta get laid and I didn't wanna jump you 'cause it wasn't time yet? Fuck.

I shoulda dealt with it. I hate to admit it, but one-eye's right. If I loved her, I shoulda dealt with it. I shoulda waited for her and shit. But with Jeannie dangled in fronta my face every damn day, with me smellin' how much she wanted me..that's a lot to fuckin' resist. And there was a part of me that day when Jeannie kissed me in the garden-there was a part of me that said it'd be OK as long as no one knew. As long as Marie never found out, I could fuck Jeannie and still have Marie lookin' at me like I was the best thing on earth. God, I shoulda known. I shoulda known it'd come out. Fuck.

Well, Marie-I know she's hurt as hell and pissed, but the bottom line is - we have a connection, somethin' special. She'll forgive me. She'll find a way to forgive me. If I tell her I do love her, if I tell her I won't go sniffin' around Jeannie again, if I take her to bed, she'll forgive me. It's like-we're so close that we're part of one another. If I do all that, she'll see how damn sorry I am and it'll be OK. I know she's hurt, really hurt, but she'll forgive me. She knows me, and she'll know it didn't mean nothin'. She'll know it wasn't nothin' next to what's between us. She'll forgive me, she will.

I'm glad I called Scott. He's-he seems to be holding up all right, everything considered. I didn't expect him to file for divorce so quickly. But then, I guess-why wait? His feelings about that won't change. I mean, she stood in front of God, the Professor, and all their friends and promised to be faithful to him. She broke her promise and I wouldn't be able to trust her again after that either. Why make it worse, why drag it out and cause both of them pain if you know there's no chance you can make it work in the end?

I was sorry to hear that he blasted Logan, but he didn't kill him, and I think it really was kind of theraputic in an awful, violent way for Scott to do that. And it bought me a few days. I was hoping Logan wouldn't follow me, but I guess I didn't really think he wouldn't. I am kind of surprised by how little I care about that. I guess I should be happy or mad or something about that, but I'm just waiting. Just waiting for him to catch up to me here in Vegas. It's a good place for it. Lots of bright lights, lots of ways to drown your miseries.

He's got to be close now. Tulsa, Amarillo, Santa Fe, Los Alamos, Sedona, Flagstaff, Williams, Kingman. I've bounced around pretty good, but he'll still be able to track me. I'm not hiding. I'm not hiding. I didn't do anything wrong.

It's surprising how much I like the desert. I've always wanted to see snow, something exotic, and with my mutation, well, hot climates aren't the best for wearing lots of concealing clothing. But it's beautiful out here. New Mexico and Arizona-I could live there, easily. The painted desert, the mountains-something about it just calls to me. I wonder what Logan thinks about it. I wonder if he's ever been out here before.

I've given a lot of thought to what to say to him when he finally catches up with me. There's so much I want to say but most of it would just be coming out because I wanted to hurt Logan back for hurting me. That's not right. The other things I want to say, well, those things won't make it better between us. It's too hard. It's just too hard to be with him, look at him, talk to him when all I can feel is my broken, bleeding heart.

But I know it has to be done, or I'll just keep running and he'll follow until he's said his piece. I know him. He still feels responsible for me, even though I wrote down that he was released from his promise. It's not the same as Scott and Jean. That promise-the promise to take care of me-that's the only promise he's made me, and he hasn't broken it, not really, not the way he meant it. He wasn't thinking about my heart when he made that promise, just my life, my physical well-being. And he's kept that promise, in spades. He'll have to let himself off the hook on that one, I think, and I'm going to have to help him do that. If I don't-well, if I don't he'll always be in my life but I'll never be able to have him, not like it should be, not like I want it to be. I can't live like that. I can't. I have to let him go, all the way. For good.

"I thought you might catch up with me here." She don't look too damn surprised to come back to find me sittin' in her hotel room.

"Why'd you run? You knew I'd come after ya."

"Yeah. I guess so." She's not doin' nothin', just puttin' her purse down on the table and sittin' down. She looks like shit. Somethin's way off with her, that's for damn sure.

"Look, Marie, I know you saw me and Jeannie and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I never meant-I didn't meant to hurt you like that and I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I dunno, it was just a moment of weakness that I-"

"No, why would you be sorry?" She's startin' to scare me, 'cause she's not reactin' at all like I thought she would - yellin', cryin' maybe. She's just real calm.

"Because it hurt you. Because it was wrong. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Yeah, you did, Logan. You meant for it to happen, you did it, after all."

"Look, I know you're mad, but-"

"I'm not mad." She's not. She's really not. She's fuck all too calm. This could be-this could be even worse than I thought.

"Marie, what's wrong? You're not-you're not really talkin' to me here. I came-I came to apologize and to tell you I'm through with Jeannie and I - "

"What are you apologizing for, exactly? Because you can't be sorry that you hurt me-you knew that would happen, that I'd hurt, the minute you touched Jean and you went ahead and did it anyway. You can't be sorry that it was wrong-I know you, Logan, you don't give a shit that she was married."

"Not because of that-it was wrong because I had feelings for you but I had sex with her. I'm-I'm sorry for that." She's just shruggin' her shoulders. Fuck, this is goin' all wrong. It is a helluva lot worse than I thought. "Marie, I love you, I do."

"I know. That's the worst thing."

"Whaddya mean?"

"I wish I could explain it. I..it's almost like you spit on that, Logan. You took this beautiful thing that happened between us, this magic thing, and you stomped on it and spit on it and ripped it to shreds. It wasn't-it didn't mean anything to you. Or at least it meant less than how much you wanted Jean. You took this wonderful thing that I've never had in my whole life and you haven't either and you spit on it. It's the worst thing because if that isn't enough-if love between the two of us, real love, true love-if that isn't enough, nothing ever will be."

"You're scarin' me Marie." The way all that came out, like there was no hope of us ever fixin' things, like there's nothin' left to do -

"Sorry. But that's the truth. And you shouldn't be that sorry about what happened. Because if I'd been in Scott's shoes, if I spent time loving you, living my life with you before all this happened, before I found out that love isn't enough, well, I'd be hurt a lot worse. It is how you are, that's that. I'm sorry I didn't know that before, but I know now. At least I know now." She is cryin' a little now, so at least I know she's sad about it, but it's all wrong, it's all wrong.

"I'm not that way, kid." She cringed at that-stop sayin' that word to her, Logan. "I'm not. I just-I just-for a second, I didn't-"

"You don't want me, Logan, not like that. You want her. It's not-love wasn't enough to make you want me too. I understand. I do. With my skin, I don't even blame you for it. But if it's not enough, Logan, there's nothing else I can give you. You-you put want above love. That's what you did. I guess that's what's most important to you. It's not your fault. I just can't be what you need. I can give you love, but it's not what you want the most."

"But it is, it is. Marie, I don't want Jeannie. I don't want her, not like I want you. I want to be with you."

She's smilin' through those tears now, a real sad smile. Breakin' my heart here. "Logan, that's not true, not really. I wish it were. I never made any secret of how I felt about you. I told you almost every day that I loved you, but you always said I wasn't ready. Logan, *you* weren't ready. You didn't really want a relationship with me. You didn't really want to love me or have me love you. You wanted what you were comfortable with-sex. You wanted someone you could touch, someone-"

"That's not true! I don't care about your skin. I don't. It doesn't matter to me at all."

"I know you don't want to hurt me. The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm not enough. I'm not what you want. You might think you want it to be that way, but your actions say otherwise."

"Marie, please, it was one fuck up. It was a mistake, a big one. I do want-I do want you to love me. I want that a lot." Why don't she understand that? Because she's right it is beautiful and it is special and it's like nothin' either one of us ever had in our lives before. I wanna hang on to that.

"But you don't want to love me back, Logan, and that's not fair. You're not ready. It's not your fault, but it's not fair to me to ask me to keep on loving you when you won't love me back. I can't live that way."

"So-what? I mean, I'm not just gonna leave you here. I'm not gonna leave you period. Marie, we-"

"There isn't a 'we' anymore. I can't do that anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. I want you to go. Go back to Westchester. I'll-I'm going to be fine. Go back to the mansion, Logan. I'll come home eventually. I will. But you should go back now."

"No." Hell no. I'm not leavin' things like this. No way. I'm not gonna lose her. "No, Marie."

"I can't give you what you want, Logan."

"I ain't leavin'." She's just shruggin' again, and lettin' out a big sigh.

"You will eventually."

"No, no I won't. I'm stayin' right here until we get this worked out between us." I thought-I thought for a second I saw a flash of hope in her eyes there. Maybe it's not all over. Maybe there's still a chance.

"I don't know if we can get it worked out between us, and even if we could.."

"We can. I will. Marie, I'm not goin' anywhere until it is worked out."

"Logan"

"Look, I know, I know it's bad. Real bad. I know that. But I don't wanna give up. I do want-maybe you're right about me not bein' ready for a relationship, but I know that I do want that. I do love you. I do, I swear it. I do want to love you. I do want to keep what's between us. Marie, I'll do whatever you want. Please."

"I want you to go back to Westchester."

"Please, just, let me try. Let me try to work it out." She don't know what to say to that. "Marie, please."

"You don't understand. I can't-I don't know if I'll ever really be able to trust you again. It's not fair to ask you to try if I don't know that, and-"

"Fuck fair, all right? I ain't been fair to you, and I'm willin' to take that chance. Please. Just-you don't hafta say yes, but don't say no." If there's any kinda chance, I'm willin' to do it. I didn't realize-I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't know-I didn't know I hurt her that much, that deep. It's not just about sex and cheatin' to her. It's about the whole thing, everything between us, and if I'd have known that, I woulda never, never -

"I don't know, Logan, I don't know." At least it's not no. At least it's not no.

"I'm gonna just-I'm gonna juts get a room here and stay. I'm just gonna do that, Marie. I'm gonna get a room and try to work it out."

"Hey there stranger. How's it going?"

"Hey Scott. Logan caught up with me here in Vegas."

"How's it going?"

"Weird. He wants to work things out."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I guess I still love him. But I just don't see how it's going to work."

"Rogue? You know he's not my favorite person, so you know I'm not saying this for his benefit, but maybe you should give it a shot."

"Really?"

"Really. I know what it's like to love someone that much, I do. Maybe-maybe he really is trying. I would've bet that he'd have hit the road by now, frankly. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. I didn't think he'd put effort into trying to work it out, I thought he'd just leave. So maybe he really does want it to work. And it's not-it's not the same as with Jean and me. Rogue, this isn't-this wasn't the first time she's cheated on me. It's just the first time after we got married."

"I'm so sorry, Scott. I didn't know that."

"No one does. But we're talking about you, right? Maybe you should give it a shot. See what Logan does. And if nothing else, you'll clear your conscience that you did all you could to try to save the relationship."

"But what if it just hurts too much? Or what if it doesn't work? What if I think it works, and we come back to Westchester, and he's all over Jean again in a heartbeat? What if-"

"Any of those things could happen. It's the risk you take. If you don't want to risk it, don't. Cut him loose."

"I wish I was as level-headed as you."

"Yeah, yeah. You're pretty level-headed when you want to be."

"Thanks, Scott. For everything. I owe you a lot."

"Nah. Just take care of yourself. And come back home one of these days."

"Are you mad that I slept with Scott?" That caught him off-guard. But he wanted to talk about everything. He's been camped out in my room all day, trying to work through stuff, might as well get it all out in the open.

"I don't have a right to be mad about that."

"I didn't ask if you had a right to, I asked if you were." I hate it when people don't answer the question. And up until this, he's been pretty straightforward about everything.

"Yeah, I guess I am. I didn't want-I don't like the idea of you with him, and I know I pushed you into it."

"I made my own decisions there."

"But you were tryin' to get revenge or somethin' and that wouldnta happened if I'd never been with Jeannie."

"It wasn't about revenge, it was just hurt. We were both really hurt. He was really good to me, and I don't regret it now. But I do wish..I always thought of you as being my first, you know?" I can tell his blood's boiling, but it's true. I don't regret sleeping with Scott.

"I wish I had been. It's my fault I wasn't."

"It's nobody's fault. Not really."

"You're mad I slept with Jeannie, aren't ya? It's not just hurt, there's mad in there too."

"Oh yeah. Mad and upset and jealous that you could be with her that way, that she can touch you, that you want her and not me. There's a lot of that in there."

"I want you. I can touch you. I can be with you." You know, the look in his eyes makes me want to believe him so much. Either he really means that, or he's doing a damn good job of lying to himself.

"Show me." That just came right out, and not in the best of ways. It almost sounded like a dare, and I didn't mean it that way, I-

"OK." He's moving over to me, and I know I should say stop. I should say I didn't mean it. "Is this-is this OK?" Touching my face, very gently. He's always worn gloves around me, and these are one of my favorites.

"Yes. It's-it's OK."

"Do you want me to make love to you? Is that what you want?" He's still touching my face all over, so gently, so tenderly.

"I-I don't-no, no, I don't want that, just."

"Tell me. I'll do it, whatever you want to do."

"What do you want to do?" All of a sudden, I feel like I'm seventeen again and I'm trembling all over just because he's so close.

"I want to put you in bed and make love to you over and over until you can *feel* how much I want you, how much I love you. But I'm not gonna-"

"Do it." I couldn't get that out at better than a whisper, but I meant it.

"You said you didn't wanna, baby." Baby, not kid. That's what he calls me now. "It's OK if you don't."

"Just-just put me in bed. Let's just-let's just do that, OK?" I didn't mean for him to literally pick me up and put me in bed, but he is. He's lifting me like I'm nothing. I forget sometimes how strong he is.

He's kissing me now, on my neck and head, covered by my hair. I want to believe it so much. I want to believe how he's touching me now and I want to believe that it means everything I want it to, everything I need it to.

"Logan? I do-I do want to make love to you. Can we?" I know I could hurt him. Because I don't want this for him, I want it just for me. I need things from him, and I can't make myself give things to him, not yet. It's not fair, I know.

"'Course, baby. If you're sure. You can-you can change your mind."

"I don't know.I'm not sure how it'll be." I feel like some kind of emotional raw wound right now.

"However it is will be great, don't you worry." He's taking off my scarf, using it to kiss my neck. "You just let me know..let me know if you don't like somethin' or if you wanna stop." Moving up to kiss my lips now. It feels so nice, to have him touch me, to have him look at me like he wants me. I wanted that for so long.

His hands are starting to move slowly across my body while he kisses me. I can't-I can't remember really what it felt like with Scott. Not this much detail. It felt good, I remember that. I felt loved, comforted, I remember that. Now-it's just everything, all at once, all those emotions and more.

I know he's going slow. I have him in my head and I remember how he was with Jean and I know he's going slow for me. "Logan? Can you-let me take off my shirt, OK?"

"Let me." He's grabbing the hem and slowly raising it over my head. I wore a sheer bra today-didn't plan it that way, but there it is. "This too?"

"Yes." Strong hands reaching underneath me to undo the clasp in the back. Now he's just looking at me, running one hand all over me.

"You're so beautiful." But he looks sad saying it for some reason.

"Logan?"

"Sorry baby. Sorry." Now he looks even worse.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I fucked up, didn't I? It didn't hafta be like this, did it? You didn't hafta be layin' on the bed half-afraid of me still, half-scared I'm gonna hurt you again, not really trustin' me anymore. It coulda been different, it coulda beenyou coulda been layin' there happy and lovin' me, lookin' up at me with those big beautiful eyes of yours like you always usedta, like I was the best damn thing you'd ever seen. You were right. I was afraid of that. I wasn't ready. But nowI fucked all that up. I lost all that."

I don't know what to say to that. I don't know what to say because it's true. I don't want it to be, he doesn't want it to be, but it is. It's almost like.it's almost like despite all the talking, despite all the hashing through the difficult stuff, this is the first time it really occurred to him that it's cost him something. That things are different, and worse, because of what happened. I really don't know what to say to that, but I feel for him. I remember what it feels like, to know what something costs all of a sudden. I felt that way in the garden, and he feels that way now. I don't know what to say, but I can hold him. I can hold him and comfort him a little.

She's sleepin', finally. Feels nice to have her close like this. Especially since I might not get to be with her like this too many more times. I know-I know I fucked up here. And I don't know why she's givin' me a chance to explain, why she's lettin' me touch her, or why she's been good to me tonight-holdin' me, just bein' nice, honest about everythin', and not rubbin' my nose in what I did to her. I don't know why she's doin' all that, but I get the feelin' that it don't really have anythin' to do with me much. She's-she's always been her own person. I think that's maybe why, or part of it. She needs to do this for herself, she needs to let me try to fix it for her own reasons. She probably needs to know-whether I really do love her still, whether I do want her sexually-and she needs to get some control over the situation, to be able to decide what she wants to do with me on her terms. Hell, I don't begrudge her that, not one bit. But it means there's probably a better than average chance she'll kick my ass to the curb once she gets what she needs outta this.

That's why I don't wanna have sex with her unless she makes it completely clear that she wants to. That, plus, lookin' at her tonight laid out on that bed underneath me-I've fantasized and thought about that so damn many times, and it was nothing like I ever imagined. Not just the way she looked, but the way I felt too. I always thought I'd feel-I dunno, turned-on, yeah, but more than that and all good things. I thought-I thought I'd feel happy to be with her that way. Happy and horny and I thought I'd feel like it was right, good.

And I did feel things-horny, yeah, but mostly relieved that she was lettin' me touch her and nervous as hell that I'd do somethin' wrong. And then when I looked at her and saw her face-how scared she was, and of me-it just hurt so much. 'Cause I knew I put that look on her face, I knew it wasn't her first time 'cause of me, I knew it didn't feel right, it wasn't right, 'cause I fucked it all up.

I shoulda known. I shoulda fuckin' known. Yeah, I knew Marie'd be pissed about Jeannie, I knew it was a major fuck-up on my part, but it never really even entered my mind that things between the two of us would actually ever be *over* because of it. I don't know why I didn't know that. I mean, I shoulda known that. Marie-she's deep. She takes things to heart. She really loves with everythin' she has, she don't hold nothin' back. At least she didn't used to.

All I can do now is give her what she needs, try to work things out. I can't take back the fuck-up now, and however it turns out, whatever she decides to do, I lose. Either I lose Marie altogether-which would be the worst, definitely-or I lose the chance we had at a really good thing. Even if she stays with me now, even if we do work it out reasonably OK, it won't be like it coulda been. It's like there's some kinda stain on what we had, and I put it there.

Insteada her just bein' happy with me, insteada her bein' secure and feelin' like I love her, she'll always feel like she's gotta look over her shoulder with me. She'll always wonder if I'm gonna go fuck someone else, Jeannie in particular. And her skin-that's just like some kinda double whammy. She thinks part of why I did it was 'cause of her skin, and I know she don't believe me that it don't really matter to me none. It doesn't, it really, really doesn't, but why the hell should she believe me? You know, I'm pretty amazed that she's even lettin' me try to work it out.

"Mmmph.Logan?" I don't think she meant to fall asleep with me in bed. But I really don't wanna move.

"Shhh, baby, go back to sleep. It's the middle of the night."

"Are you staying?" She's so cute when she first wakes up, all sleepy smelling and hair all over the place.

"Yeah, if you want. Or I can go back to my room."

"No, it's all right. Stay here, OK?"

"Sure, baby. Thanks."

"Hey."

"You up, baby?"

"Yeah." Mostly. Somewhat. Slightly.

"You gettin' up or stayin' in bed a while."

"I'm not ready to get up yet." I always loved it when he would come to me at night, sometimes after a nightmare, sometimes just because. I loved how he'd crawl into my bed and curl right up to me. I've missed that.

"No need to. We could stay in bed all day if you want."

"That's kind of lazy, don't you think?" He looks so sad, still. Maybe it'll help to just lighten up a little.

"No law against bein' lazy." He hasn't been able to keep his hands off my body since he first touched me yesterday. It's almost like he expects me to rise up out of bed and start kicking his ass any second. It's almost like he would feel better if I did.

"I guess not." I fell asleep topless, and, frankly, I'm not in a hurry to rectify that. Neither is Logan, I know. "Mind if I turn on the TV? I'd like to get the morning news."

"Here." He's got the remote.

"Thanks." Channel Five should have something in the way of morning news. "Hey, Logan-thanks for staying with me last night."

"I wanted to. I'm glad you let me."

Maybe it's time to get some stuff out. Never anything good on the news anyway. "You look sad. Are you still upset?"

"Yeah. Guess so." I know he's not Mr. Feeling-Sharer.

"Is there anything I can do to make it better?" That should sound pretty suggestive given that I'm laying on top of him in bed, topless. But it doesn't.

"Nah. I love you. I want you to know that." God, he looks downright awful again. He's hurting. It's really starting to hit him.

"I know."

"It's enough. It's what I want. What you said before-that I loved you but it wasn't what was important-that's not the way it is any more. I want you to know that."

"Logan." I don't know if I can believe that, trust that. I just don't know, not yet.

"You don't hafta say nothin'. I just wanted you to know."

"OK." Lame, I know. But it's all I can give right now. It's all that's safe. "Would you-last night you were kissing me-would you mind doing some more of that? I'd still-I'd still like to make love with you, if you want to." I need things from him, and it's wrong to take them now, I know, but I can't move on unless I'm sure, and he won't feel any better until I can move on.

"'Course. I love you, baby. So much." Soft lips against my head, soft gloves moving on my body. It feels like he wants me. It feels like he loves me. It doesn't feel like he's afraid of me, of my skin.

"Yes.." He's rolling me over, putting me on my back on the bed. That's how I want it to be. I can't-I can't touch him too much, I can't let myself do too much because I'm too afraid I'll get pulled in and I won't be able to stop. I won't be paying attention to him, to his reactions and emotions. "Please." I need this. I need this. I need to know.

"I love you." I'm just gonna keep tellin' her that 'cause she's still cryin' a little. I dunno-I dunno if I fucked up with her or not. I really can't tell.

She was so emotional when I started touching her. I know she was tryin' to hold back, tryin' not to let herself get carried away, but I was so focused on makin' sure she felt good, I think I made her get carried away a little. When I was touchin' her, strokin' her, she looked so anguished, but so happy too. And not just in the regular sex way. When I made her come the first time it was almost like everythin' crashed in on her-the physical sensations, the emotion, the words I was sayin'-it all crashed over her and it was too much. She started cryin' then, really sobbin'. She kept sayin' she was sorry, but she shouldn't be sorry. I made that happen. I made her cry like that. I'm the one who should be apologizin'.

That wasn't half as bad as what happened when I went inside her, when I made her come that way. I shouldnta done that, even though she was askin', even though she was practically beggin'. I shouldnta believed her that it was OK, that it was what she wanted. When we were both close, really close, she said "don't hurt me," and when I looked up there were tears all over her face. God, I don't even think she knows she said it, but it broke me up. I couldn't stop, though, I couldn't, I just tried to be loving, and when we both went over the edge, she started sobbin' again, and worse this time. Her whole body shook and I was scared she was gonna hyperventilate there for a while. It was bad.

Nothin' I said made her cry any less, so I just held onto her. Still holdin' her now, tellin' her I love her, I want her, it's OK. She's not sayin' anythin', just cryin'. I did that to her. I did that to her. I fucked her up more than Magneto and all those other fuckers combined. I did it to her. It just makes me feel sick. Honestly sick, nauseous.

"L-logan?"

"Right here, baby. It's OK."

"I'm s-sorry. I didn't m-mean to cry l-like that. I'm sorry."

"You just let it out. That's OK. I love you. I love you so much, baby." Gotta let her do what she needs, get what she needs. I know she'll leave me now. I know she will. But I gotta give her what she needs while she's still layin' in my arms, in my bed. Gotta do that.

I never expected that. I never expected that from him-so much love, so much tenderness, so much outright desire. I just-I don't know what I expected from him, but not that. I guess I thought-I guess I thought he'd hold back, or he'd just do it to try to convince me he wanted me sexually, but he was right there, and wide open. It's too much to take in. Way too much.

I feel like such a child for crying, but I can't stop. It is-it is everything coming out-all the shock, all the hurt, all the anger, all the sadness and despair. It's coming out because I know now. I know where he really stands because he showed me. He showed me all of it. He didn't hold back. I know where he stands, and it's OK for me to let it all out now. I know it's safe.

"Hey."

"Hey. You feelin' better?"

"Yeah. Did you get any sleep?"

"Some."

"Thank you for last night."

"You're welcome babyI'll always love you, you know."

"Are you OK?"

"No, no I'm pretty sad. Pretty sad, actually. I don't want it to be over between us."

"Logan, I'm not leaving you."

"What?"

"I'm not leaving you. I want to work things out. Let's-let's try."

"How..how can you still want that? I made you cry so much, I-"

"I still love you. I needed to know-I needed to feel that you loved me, that you really understood what that was with me, that you could give me what I needed from you. You gave me all of you, everything, and you weren't afraid. I needed that so much..I"

"Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?"

"Yes. Look at me. I love you. I'm not-I'm not going to hurt you and I don't want to punish you and I don't want to leave. I just want to be with you. If there's a chance. If there's a chance to work it out for both of us, I want to. Please?"

"Yeah, oh yeah. God, I"

"It's OK. It's OK. I love you. I love you a lot."

This is the test. Goin' back to Westchester, back to the mansion. Makin' a stop to see everyone, for her to see her friends, before we head up to the cabin for winter. I know Marie said not to be nervous, not to be paranoid, and that she trusted me. But I know she's thinkin' somewhere in the back of her mind that I might take a look at Jeannie, that I might be tempted. She ain't got nothin' to worry about, but I gotta be careful not to do somethin' stupid, inadvertent, to fuck up. Six months-six months of bein' with Marie has been damn good and I ain't gonna let some slip up screw it up. No more fuck-ups.

"Are you nervous?"

"Some. You?"

"A little. But I'm glad we decided to come back. I missed Jubilee and Kitty."

"They'll be happy to see you." She hasn't said nothin' about Scott lately. She has told me that she doesn't love him-not more than like a friend-but that she does feel close to him, and she'd like to spend some time with him while we're here. She said she wanted me to feel OK with that, and if I didn't we could talk. Well, I didn't feel OK with it, but I don't have any right to complain so I said it was fine. He and I-there's always gonna be a blood feud there.

"It's only a weekend."

"I'm hidin' my excitement that well, huh?" God, it's such a relief to be able to tease with her again, to just play together.

"Yeah, you're Mr. Subtlety." She's got a really beautiful smile. I'm not biased about that, either, she does. You can ask anyone.

"If you-you know, wanna leave early or somethin', that won't be too much of a burden." She's got a good laugh too. Real sweet.

"Hello, Logan." Fuck, I was hopin' to just avoid her altogether. Guess not.

"Hello, Jean." We're in public, in the kitchen. That little kid-the yellow one, Jubilee-she's out in the hall, probably eavesdroppin'. I can smell her. Plus, anyone could walk in any time. We're in public.

"How have you been?"

"Fine." Not gonna try to carry a conversation. Don't really wanna have one.

"And Rogue? How is she?"

"Good. Really good."

"Well, I'm happy to hear that. How long will you two be back for?" She's tryin' for polite here. That's good. Nothin' personal. Nothin' that could be misinterpreted.

"Just the weekend."

"Then it's back to Sedona?"

"No. I got a place in Canada."

"How do you like the desert?"

"It's hot." Like I said, not tryin' to carry a conversation.

"Oh, Logan, don't be so tense. I mean, you and I-that's water under the bridge, right?" Laughin' and touchin' my arm. Touchin' my bare arm with her bare hand.

"Yeah." Gonna just move my arm. No touchin'.

"Don't tell me that we can't at least be friends?" That's her flirty voice, her seductive voice. I know that voice. Rogue said that she and Scott were divorced now but that she was still tryin' to get Scott back. This ain't gonna be the way she does that.

"No, I don't think we can."

"Logan, there's no need to be rude. I'm sure Rogue understands that we're friends."

"We're not friends. Got that, Jean?" I don't really give a shit about bein' rude. I give a shit about Rogue not havin' to 'understand' her way through any more shit from me.

"Fine. If you can't even be civil, fine." She's gettin' pissed now. That usually means that bad things are gonna start pourin' outta that mouth of hers. I usedta like that mouth. I really did. But now all I can think about is how hookin' up with her fucked everything all up with Marie, all I can see is Marie cryin' when I made love to her the first few times, all I can feel is how sick that made me. How sick it still makes me. "You know, I'd think you could at least spare a few kind words for the woman you slept with and left behind, but I forgot you're Wolverine, right? Nothing in there that's any good for anyone, right?"

"Hello, Jean." Shit, Marie.

"Hello, Rogue. Logan was just catching me up."

"How are you?" I didn't expect that outta Marie. I'm kinda surprised. She doesn't sound mad at all. And she had to have heard some of that shit.

"Fine. Just great. How are you these days? Any luck with controlling your power?" God, I am gonna kill her. That's way outta line. Way the hell outta line and-

"Nope. No luck. Jean-can I talk to you privately for a few minutes?" That can't be good. That's pretty much bound to be bad.

"Uh, Rogue, do you think-"

"It's fine, Logan. Rogue and I are overdue for a talk." I can see the gleam in her eyes. She's gonna say some mean shit to Marie, I just know it. But Marie's lookin' at me and she don't look mad or jealous or anythin' like that. She's givin' me a little smile. She wants me to go. Well, fine, but I ain't goin' far. Certainly not outta earshot.

"All right, baby." Just gonna give her a little kiss on top of her head before I go. Probably piss Jean off some more, but it'll make Marie happy.

"So, what did you want to discuss, Rogue?"

"Stay away from Logan, Jean. There's nothing good that can come out of you pursuing him." Oh-oh. Maybe Marie does feel a little threatened still. Shit.

"Oh, Rogue, I'm not pursuing him. Really. You don't have to worry about me stealing him away from you again."

"No, I don't. But if you go after him, you'll make him feel uncomfortable. I don't want that, Jean. This was his home too." Maybe not threatened. Maybe protective. Her protective of me? That's a new one.

"I would never do anything to make Logan uncomfortable. Rogue, I know, I know you must feel awkward around me. Jealous, perhaps. But what you're really doing is projecting your own feelings about me onto Logan. It's not uncommon in these situations. You don't want to express those feelings, so you assign them to Logan. It's perfectly understandable. But honestly, there's nothing going on between Logan and me now. That's over and in the past."

"Yes, I know." She sounds confident, like-yeah, I know the sky is blue, yeah, I know the earth is round. Good.

"Well good then, perhaps we can be friends again."

"I don't think so." She sounds pretty confident about that too.

"There's no need to be petty or spiteful, Rogue."

"You hurt the two men I care about most, Logan and Scott. I don't think we can ever be friends after that. And you're trying to hurt me now, Jean. That's not very friendly." Good girl, call her on it.

"I'm trying to smooth things over between us, Rogue."

"No, no you're really not. You're trying to make me jealous. You're trying to make me angry. You're the one projecting feelings, Jean." Ooooh. I know I shouldn't be enjoying this, but-that was a good one.

"That's not a very-"

"I'm right and you know it." Good girl. Confident. Sure. Sure of me, sure of her.

"He was a good fuck, Rogue, that's all. Nothing to get wound over." Jean's pissed as hell now. Maybe I should break this up. Before it comes to blows.

"Goodbye, Jean." That's my girl. Too classy to get into that shit. She's comin' out now, headed this way.

"Hey-you OK?"

"Yeah. She's just so-ooooh!"

"You know, we weren't-"

"Yeah." She's stoppin' me and leanin' up to kiss my sideburns and-God, she looks so happy. "I know."

"You know, if I never see that damn place again, it'll be too soon." Bad memories. Happy to get the hell outta there.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for stopping, though. I'm glad I got to see Jubilee and Kitty."

"Good. I'm glad I get you all to myself again." I really, really am. I don't like sharin' her. I especially don't like sharin' her with Scooter. She was good about that, though, real good. Never spent any time with him alone, always invited me to come along. At first, I thought-no, I trust her. But then, I just wanted to be with her. Not so much 'cause I think she's step out on me, I know she wouldn't. But I don't want Scooter talkin' shit on me to her-it's not solid yet. We're workin' shit out, but it's not on solid ground, not yet.

"You know, we've got to be the only people who live in the desert in the summer and the mountains in the winter."

"You'll like it, baby. It's real pretty up there, real quiet. Just us." Plenty of time to just be together, plenty of time to get some good history behind us.

"I'm going to like having you to myself again too."

"Love you."

"Love you too." That right there-that's exactly what I want. I want her to say it that way-happy. Like she's happy about that, not like it's a burden or some kinda torture to her that she does. I don't want it to be like that. "I'm glad you wanted that. I'm glad you wanted to work on things."

"'Course. Can't lose you, baby. That's a constant. That's never gonna change."

"You're not going to lose me. You're way too good to me. I'm not going to let you go." She's smilin' real big now, real pleased. She's wrong about that-I've treated her pretty shitty. But I'm gonna make it up to her. I'm gonna make it up to her until that is true.