Terri's Peep Hut ~~ Fiction Archive

Giving Up

Title: Alter-Eighteen: Giving Up

Author: Terri

Rating: PG-13

Archive: Sure, ask and I'll say yes.

Disclaimer: None of these very interesting people belong to me.

Feedback: Please? Pleasepleaseplease?

Summary: Alternative version of events in the movie and the Eighteen series. Logan and Rogue do things the hard way.

Comments: Warning-Character Death. No, it's not Logan or Rogue, but you still won't be too damn happy with me when you see it. So don't say I didn't warn you. This made my brbf cry, so a Kleenex warning is probably also in order. On the other hand, she does have PMS right now, so it's your call.

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I gave up on Logan a long time ago. I mean, he's been with Jean for two months now, and I realize that I never really had a shot with him in the first place. He loves me, yeah, but like a best friend, like a little kid or a mascot. I think deep down I knew that even before he bedded Jean when he came back. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they're moving in together. And I definitely shouldn't feel bad about it, because I gave up on Logan a long time ago.

Really, it's not bothering me much. Scott-he's got the worst end of this deal, definitely. Not only does he have to see the woman he loves practically throw herself at Logan, he has to watch them be together every day, live together, fight together, laugh together. It must hurt to know that she does things with Logan-not just the sex things-that were supposed to only be for Scott. It must hurt a lot.

"Hey, Rogue." Logan, fresh from the shower, which means fresh from morning sex with Jean.

"Hey."

"How ya doin', kid?" That's his typical conversational opener with me now. I've been careful to be polite, but I couldn't help but distance myself from him a little. I mean, I gave up on him and he isn't interested in me. I'm just some little kid he deigned to save from Magneto, and he's just someone I owe a debt to. That's all we are now, and it has to mean distance.

"Fine." Which is my standard reply to all Logan questions, delivered with a constant level of politeness. And distance.

"You ain't been around much lately." That's become familiar too. But it's still in the same category as the first inquiry, not to be mistaken for an expression of any feeling, simply a conversational piece, just something to say.

"Yeah. Been busy." Another pat answer. Makes conversation a lot easier, I admit. "See you later." Here comes Remy. Remy who's been sniffing around me since I got here. Remy, who is technically my boyfriend, and who I should go talk to.

"Later, kid."

"You're still in love with him, aren't you?" Jubes is the only one with the guts to talk to me about Logan anymore. After I wrecked my dresser, when I found out, people pretty much just steer clear of that topic.

"It doesn't matter. He doesn't love me. I've given up on him."

"Chica, you know he'll get tired of Jean eventually. You know you're the only one he has like, emotions for. He'll come to you eventually."

"What makes you think I'd still want him if he did, Jubes?" I'm really curious to know. Because I can't think of a single reason.

"Because you're like-I don't know-meant to be together or something."

"That's bullshit." If it were true, he wouldn't be screwing someone else.

"You still have his tags. You don't wear them, but you kept them. You wouldn't have done that if you totally gave up, girl."

"Hmmm." You know, Jubes is right. The tags. They've got to go. "I forgot about them." That's really true. She probably doesn't believe it, but it's true. But now that it's been brought to my attention, they've got to go.

"Riiiight."

"I'm going to give them back."

"No way, chica! You can't do that!" I love Jubes, but she lives in a fantasy world-some nice, warm, hospitable place where people are meant to be together and gestures like giving me those tags mean something special. I don't have that luxury. I've got to live in reality, where the man I love with all my heart and soul is screwing someone else.

"I really should. They belong to him. And you're right, I shouldn't be keeping them now."

"Logan?"

"Sorry, Rogue, he's working out." Jean. She always looks at me with pity.

"Oh, well, could you give him these? I feel kind of stupid for having forgotten all this time, but, I just ran across them last night. He should have them."

There's the mega-pitying look. "Sure, Rogue, sure."

"Thanks." You'd think I'd hate Jean, and I guess I should. But I just feel.I don't know, it's almost like exhaustion. Like I can't even work up the energy to hate her. Maybe it's because I've given up. Maybe that's it.

"Hey, kid."

"Yeah?" This is weird. This is the first time he's sought me out since he came back. Usually, if we talk, it's because we run into each other.

"Jeannie said you dropped these off." Oh yeah, the tags. I should've thought he might talk to me about that. They're important to him.

"Yeah. I forgot all about them until I ran across them last night."

"I don't want 'em. I gave 'em to you." Hmm. Weird.

"But they're yours."

"I gave 'em to you." He's insistent about that but I'm not getting it.

"I don't want them anymore." Maybe that will explain the situation. I mean, there's no obligation to keep things you were given if you no longer wish to have them, right?

"Look, Kid, I." He's-what?-trying to think of something to say? "I know you, um, have a crush on me or something. But you hafta understand that Jeannie-"

"I understand, Logan. I didn't-it was never a crush. I loved you. But you don't have to worry. I gave up on you a long time ago." I would've thought that would put him at ease. That's why I said it. That, and, well, I'm too tired to work up the effort to lie about it. But he's just looking at me, staring. And I don't know why because there's really not anything else to say between us. Ever. "I've got to go. Bye."

Hank should be my boyfriend, not Remy. Hank really should. I mean, OK, he's blue and furry and all, but I like him a lot better than Remy. I think I'll tell Remy it's over today. It probably won't be a surprise. He's been asking for sex and I've been saying I don't want to. That should be a clue. I guess I just kept hoping the relationship would get better. I guess I kept hoping he'd make me laugh or smile or be happy or something. But it's just not coming, and it's time. It's time to give up on that too. Besides, I like Hank. Maybe-maybe he'll like me back. You know what? Maybe I should ask him if he'd like that, dating me. After I talk to Remy. That's what I'll do, I'll-

"Hey, kid." Haven't seen him in three days, not since the dogtags. He's wearing them now. Good. They belong with him. They mean something to him.

"Hey."

"Can we, um, talk for a minute?"

"What about?" Because I can't think of anything that needs to be said. The situation is what it is between us, and it's not going to change.

"You, um, scared me a little the other day. The way you said that stuff was so-I dunno, flat or something. You've been-you haven't been yourself since I got back."

Well, all that's true, but none of it matters. Not to me and not to him, that's for certain. So I don't know what necessitates conversation on the topic. "Yeah?"

"Are you-you're not doing fine, are you?"

"I am."

"Marie-" He hasn't called me that since he got back, and I don't like it. I don't like him calling me that. It's not for him anymore.

"Please don't call me by that name. I'd prefer Rogue."

"But you-" He's going to say that it's my name, that he's the only one I told, and that that should mean something. He's wrong. All that changed when I gave up on him.

"I shouldn't have told you and I'm sorry that I did. I'd prefer Rogue."

"Please, kid-" I can tell that the tone, the flat tone he mentioned is bothering him. But that's the tone I use with him now. The tone I use with almost everyone. It's a nice, rational tone. A tone devoid of emotion-dresser demolishing emotion or any other.

"Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"I"

"I've got to go." Remy first, then Hank. Hank should definitely be my boyfriend. I don't use the flat tone with him.

"Hank?"

"Yes? Ah, Rogue, it's good to see you." Hank always smiles at me. And I always smile back. "Pray tell, what can I do for you this fine evening?"

"I was hoping we could talk." I like our talks. Deep, philosophical talks, silly talks, or emotional talks. He always makes time, and he always listens to what I say very carefully. I like that. He has interesting things to say too. He always tells the truth, and I usually learn something when he talks. He's very smart, much smarter than me.

"And what is the topic of your choosing tonight? I believe we left our discussion on the relative merits of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Hagen Daas unfinished."

"Yes, we did. But I was hoping I could talk to you about something a little more serious."

"Ah, perhaps utilitanarianism?"

"I wondered if you might like to date me." Sometimes when I do that, cut right to the chase, people are a little put off. Not Hank. He's used to that by now.

"I-I thought you were dating Remy."

"I broke up with him. I thought I'd prefer to date you instead."

"B-but, me? I mean, I'm.." I know how he thinks of himself-ugly, a freak among mutants. The few women he's been interested in romantically-including Jean-have never returned his interest. I know he's given up. He talks about it with me sometimes, when we're both feeling really emotional. I've told him I feel those things too, that I've given up some things too. He understands me, but I wonder if he knows just how much I understand him.

"I like you. I'd like to date you. What do you think?"

"Rogue, are you certain? My-my appearance is not-I am not exactly in Remy's league, or Logan's.."

"You're in your own league. I like the way you look and pretty much everything else about you. That's why I thought it might be a good idea for us to date. What do you think? Would you like to?"

"I-I would be honored to date you. A-and pleased beyond belief. And most-most-" He only stammers or fishes for words when he's nervous. And it's only things like this that make him nervous. A hug-a hug will help. He hardly ever gets physical affection. And especially not from women. "Oh. That's-thank you, Rogue."

"My name is Marie. You can call me by that if you like."

I feel like I'm coming alive again. Hank-I was right about it being a good idea for him to be my boyfriend. He brings out the good things in me-things that I gave up on along with Logan. And I think I bring out the good in him too. He's been happier with me than alone, I think. Dating Hank was definitely a good idea.

"Hello there, my love." He started calling me that about six weeks after we began dating. I think it was the day after the first time we had sex, to be precise. I like it. I like it a lot better than "kid" or "chere."

"Hello. What are you up to, joining us in the land of the living?" He hardly ever leaves the lab during the day. He's been working on a cure for the Legacy virus nonstop. I'm actually a little surprised that he still spends evenings and nights with me for the most part, but I think it might be because he's really falling in love with me. I don't know quite how I feel about that. It scares me a little, because I know I could love him back. I really, really could. And the last time I tried that it didn't work out so well. For me or the mansion furniture.

"Just wanted to see you." A gentle kiss on the top of my head. For such a big man, he's so very gentle. And careful. Always careful of my skin without making me self-conscious about it. He's a very, very good man and I'm lucky to have him. I know that.

"I'm glad you came up. I was thinking about dinner tonight-I know we'd talked about going out, but I was kind of feeling a little like staying in, since it's snowing so much. Maybe I could cook something and we could rent a movie?" I like cuddling with him in bed. He's very cuddlesome.

"Sounds marvelous. Marie-" I definitely like that. Since I told him he could call me by my name, he only does it when we're alone, and rarely. But when he does, I like the sound of it. I like it a lot. "-I wanted to ask you something. We've been-well, we've been involved for some time now, and I-I mean to say-since we spend most of our free time together, since we are together when you are not teaching art classes and I am not in the lab, that is to say, during the evening hours and at night, well, I was wondering, since that is the case, what your thoughts were on..moving in together." He was really, really nervous asking me that. I knew he might ask. He likes having me stay the whole night, which I usually do now. It's a big relationship step, though. "We, um, need not do so if you would prefer not to. I understand completely."

"I-I can be a little hard to live with, Hank." He's seen me go through the nightmares. He's seen how I get emotional and irrational when Logan or Erik surfaces in my head without warning. Heck, I even growled at him once in bed and smacked his hand away from me. Pure Logan coming out.

"You're a joy to live with, my love." He has been really good about all that, especially the nightmares. The very first one, when I woke up screaming and crying uncontrollably, he knew just what to do and say, just how to hold me and calm me down.

"OK, then. OK, let's try it."

"Really?" I love his smile when he's excited. He looks just so innocent and happy.

"Really. Let's do it."

"Hello, Rogue." Jean. She looks like she has something on her mind. No pun intended.

"Hello. Is there something you want?"

"Yes, actually. I was hoping to talk with you. I wanted to say how happy I am that you're dating Hank. I think you make quite a good pair."

"So do I." That wasn't what was on her mind. It's still showing on her face that there's something else in there.

"Yes, well. Logan-Logan and I are both happy. For the both of you."

"Jean, what did you want to talk to me about?"

She's letting out a big sigh. I don't feel like beating around the bush. I'm already a little late to spring Hank from the lab. We're going shopping for a down comforter for our bed. Hank's all excited, and so am I. It's our first big thing we're buying together. "I was hoping to talk you into speaking to Logan again."

"What do you mean?" Because if ever there were two people who had nothing to talk about, it would be Logan and me.

"You haven't spoken a word to him in months. He's-he's upset. He won't really talk about it with me, but I can tell."

"Well, of course, you're a telepath." It's not really an accomplishment.

"No, I mean, I haven't read his thoughts. But I can tell he's upset that you're not friends anymore."

"We were never friends." We loved each other once, or, I loved him, and that's not a friendly thing. It's intense.

"Please, Rogue, I..I just was hoping you'd talk to him. He's upset about how things between you have become."

"He made decisions about how our relationship would be." Why would he be upset about that now?

"I was hoping you could be mature about this, Rogue." She always gets mad when she doesn't get her way. Mad and insulting. "I was hoping you wouldn't be jealous or spiteful. Logan's hurting because of this. Don't you care about that?"

"I'm sorry he's feeling that way." And I am. It's not like I want to hurt him. I just gave up. "But I can't do anything to fix it."

"You could talk to him."

"I'm not avoiding doing that now." I really haven't made it a point to evade him or anything, I've just been spending so much time with Hank.

"Fine. Fine. I'm sorry I asked you."

"Me too." Because that was five whole minutes I could've been spending with Hank.

"I like it." It's beautiful-a silver band, an engagement ring. "I like it a lot."

"You wouldn't rather have had a diamond?"

"No, this is just perfect." Hank knows me pretty well. I don't like showy things, and I've never really cared for diamonds.

"So, that means yes?"

"Yes. Absolutely yes. I will marry you, Dr. McCoy." Because I love him. I've only said it once or twice, but I feel it all the time. I never, ever thought I'd feel that again, and he made me do it.

"Whoo-hoo!" Now, I think that's the first whoop I've ever heard out of our dignified doctor. I just have to laugh. He makes me do that a lot, actually. Probably why I'm marrying him. "Now, I know we do not have to get married right away, or start planning the wedding now, but I wish to marry you sooner rather than later, my love."

"We have plenty of time. As long as we get hitched before I start having the babies, we'll be fine."

"You-you want to have children?" I don't know why that's such a big surprise.

"Yeah. Lots of them. Don't-don't you?"

He's smiling that rapt smile now, that so-happy-it-hurts smile, and his eyes are getting teary. "I never thought I would. I mean, I-I explained that any of my children would likely exhibit my mutant characteristics from birth, and I just never contemplated.."

"They'll be beautiful, honey. Just like their daddy." It breaks my heart sometimes, knowing how hard it is for him. He's been hurt so much, and I just -I just hope I can make a little of that better, you know? I want that so much. Because he's done that for me. He made me a whole person again. He made me live. He never lets me give up. He makes me want to try.

"Fine. Maybe I'll just go back to Scott, then!" I really shouldn't be hearing this. They should really just fight in their room, not in the hallway. We can still hear them behind closed doors, so they've got to know we *really* can hear them out here.

"Don't matter to me none." He's not yelling. Well, that's good. At least one of them is staying calm this time. And no thrown furniture so far. He broke an awfully nice end table the other day.

"You son of a bitch! I hate you! I bet it doesn't matter to you. I bet it doesn't. Nothing does! Nothing except her! I hate you!"

"Then leave."

"Fine! I'll move my things out right now!" I wonder if she means that.

"Go ahead, then, Jeannie. Get out."

"You'll never have her, you know. She hates you now. She won't even speak to you now. You're *nothing* to her."

"Get your fuckin' things out! Now!" Whoa. That was mean. And it sounded final. I think-this could be it for them. Well, too bad.

"Fine. Fine, Logan. I will. Fine. I give up."

"Hey, kid."

"Hey, Logan." I haven't seen him in a long time. He looks tired, and-older somehow.

"Can I-uh, do you have a second to talk?"

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

"I, um, I heard you're gettin' married to McCoy."

"Yeah." Logan wasn't at the dinner party, but Jean was. I imagine she's told him. You know, before they broke up and she moved out.

"Well, congratulations. You know, on that." He looks really uncomfortable. I wonder if there's something wrong.

"Thanks."

"I, um, I wanted to say that I, ah, I'm happy for you." Even more uncomfortable. Maybe it's the break up with Jean. That can't have been easy for him, despite how he acts sometimes. He loved her, I think.

"Thanks."

"Yeah. I mean, you're welcome. I-I Rogue, do you love him?"

"Yes. Very much." Maybe he's physically ill. I mean, I know he heals, but he looks just horrible.

"Oh. OK. I-I'm glad. Congratulations. To the both of you."

"Thanks. Are you-are you feeling all right? You look a little off."

He's smirking at that. Hmm. I haven't seen that expression in a long time. "You know me kid, always good as new."

"Oh, OK then. See you later."

"Bye."

"I'm so sorry, Rogue." Jubes is, I can tell, but it just.it just doesn't mean anything to me. Not now. Not now that Hank is dead. I know she's sorry. She sorry for me. Scott's sorry it happened on the mission. Jean's sorry she couldn't save him. Logan said he was sorry he couldn't kill more of those Brotherhood bastards. But it doesn't really matter who's sorry or for what, exactly, because Hank's gone. Dead.

I wish we'd gotten married. I said we had time, but it turns out we didn't. We didn't have time to get married or have kids or to love each other nearly long enough. It's just not fair. The universe, or life, or whatever it is, it's just not fair. It's a cold, cruel, uncaring thing that screws with you every chance it gets. Well, you know what? I'm done trying to fight it. I'm done trying to fight my fate. I'm done trying, period. I give up.

"Hey." Logan. I should say thank you to him for agreeing to be one of Hank's pall bearers. Hank was one heck of a heavy man, and Logan's one of the few who could've done it. I know he hates wearing a suit.

"Hey. Thanks, you know, for helping out today."

"Sure. Whatever-whatever you need. I just-I'm just so sorry." I know he is. Jean was right-you don't need to read his thoughts to tell what's in there; it shows pretty well on his face.

"Scott said that you risked your life to try to save Hank. I don't know if I thanked you for that either." He said that Logan received 'severe and life-threatening-even for him - injuries in the line of duty.' He said he thought I should know that Logan tried very hard to save Hank.

"I never wanted to hurt you, darlin'." He said that so quiet, I almost didn't hear it. I wonder if he meant for me to. I did. So I guess I should answer.

"I know that. You tried to save him, you really did. I'm thankful for that." I know, if there was a way, Logan would have saved him. He's loyal to the team like that.

"If-if you need anythin', I'll be around. I'll be around. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here." He said that like it was really important for me to know. How funny. How can he not know that nothing's important to me any more? Doesn't that show on my face? I guess not.

"OK."

"Hey, Rogue."

"Hey." Logan's once-a-day visit. He brings me dinner every night. I just can't-I just can't face everybody downstairs for meals. They're all so sorry and pity me so much. And I do too. I do too. That's why I can't face them.

"Gotcha some pizza tonight. Your favorite." Sometimes I eat the food he brings, sometimes I can't. When you cry a lot-really cry, with heaving sobs and moans and strangled breathing-your stomach isn't very steady.

"Thanks."

"How're you doin'?"

"Fine."

"Your eyes look a little better." Jean said that I'd broken blood vessels in both eyes from crying so hard. She doesn't pity me-she was very professional, very distant. I'm glad.

"Good."

"You know, if it's OK, I thought maybe I'd eat with you tonight. I brought enough pizza for both of us."

"OK." At least that way, the food won't go to waste if I can't eat it.

"Do you-do you wanna talk or anythin'? 'Cause we can talk if you want. Or not. If you don't want to."

"I don't want to." I'll try. I'll try to eat a little bit. My stomach is feeling somewhat OK.

"OK."

"Come on, darlin'. Just try."

"II don't think I can, Logan." I mean, I really just don't think I can. Going to the lab, packing up his things, that was bad. Putting away his clothes, that was horrible. Taking his cologne out of our medicine cabinet-that, I barely survived. There's no way I can visit his grave. There's just no way. I won't make it through that.

"I'll go with ya if you want. I know.I know there's some things you wanna say to him, darlin'. I know there's some things you wanna get out. It'll-it'll help. Just try."

"OK, but I-can you come with me?" I think Logan's right. There are some things that need to get out. But I know I'm not going to handle this well. I might hyperventilate and pass out again, and I'd just as soon have Logan there so he can run and get Jean or something if I do.

"Sure, of course. Whatever you want."

"No!"

"Marie? Are you all right?" Logan. Oh, God. It's been a long time since I had the nightmares. Was I screaming so loud he heard me down the hall? Oh, God.

"I-it's just a n-nightmare. I'm OK-K."

"Darlin'? Are you sure?" Peeking his head in the door. God, I must've been heard down the hall. His hair's all messed up and he's in boxers and a t-shirt. He was sleeping. But he has gloves on. He must've realized it was me screaming.

"Mm-hmm. I'll b-be f-f-fine."

"I can sit with you for a while if you want." I guess I didn't sound very convincing. He's coming in and closing the door behind him. I just.this is the first bad one without Hank and I..

"I just m-miss him s-so much, L-logan. He w-would always h-hold me j-just right." I know that sounds so weak and needy, but I can't help it. I can't handle these by myself. I miss him so much..

"Do-do you want me to stay with you? I could..I could hold you a little bit if you wanted."

"C-could you do it like H-hank did?"

"Sure, sure, darlin'. You just show me how." Hank used to lie down beside me and hold me really tight. He used to let me hold him tight too. Sometimes so tight that I left bruises. You could barely see him through his fur, but. "Like this?"

"Tighter."

"OK, darlin'."

"It-it doesn't f-feel the same." Something's still wrong. He's not-he's not as big as Hank, but that's not it

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I know. I know what it is. "You d-don't have f-fur."

"I'm sorry, baby."

"It's OK." It's not the same. It'll never be the same.

"Darlin'? You're cryin' pretty bad there. Are you-are you-"

"Don't.p-please don't talk.." Because I can't get words out any more. It'll never be the same without Hank. Never. Please, just, please don't make me say that out loud.

"OK. You just cry it out then. I'm here. I'll stay here with you. I'm here."

"You should stay the hell away from her." Scott, angry. Just outside my door. Did I-I must've fallen asleep eventually last night. Oh, God, what an awful night.

"Mind your own fuckin' business, Cyke." Logan. Oh great. I used to like that table they put in the hall right outside the room. It's not long for this world now.

"I don't know why I'm surprised. You stole my fiancee right out from under me when she had a vulnerable moment. Now, you're stealing Hank's and he's not even cold in the grave."

"Fuck you, you son of a bitch!" Oh-oh, there went the claws coming out. I still remember that sound.

Well, that's enough. I'm not putting up with this. I'm going to stick my head out the door. That should make them stop. "Uh, hello."

"Hello, Rogue. I was." Scott's trying to calm down. He's taking deep breaths. "I was stopping by to see how you were."

"I'm fine."

"Did we wake you up, darlin'?" Scott cringed when he called me that. He used to call Jean that too, that's why.

"Yeah, kind of. I'm-um, I'm going to get up now anyway, I think. I'll see you later, Scott." I'd better separate them. Hank was always a good peacemaker when people fought. Why didn't I pay more attention to how he did that? I think Scott's taking the hint, though. He's heading for the stairway.

"Sorry 'bout that."

"Could you, um, not do that?"

"You mean yell at Scott?"

"Yes. Would you mind not doing that around me?" Because I don't have enough energy to play peacemaker any more times.

"Sure. I'm sorry. I'm real sorry, darlin'."

"And could you not call me that?"

"OK." He looks surprised. I didn't mean to be mean or sharp, but I don't want to be called that. "What-what should I call you?"

"Just not that."

"Logan?"

"Yeah? Come in, baby." He's taken to baby instead of darling. It's fine. I know it's just an expression, and it doesn't grate on me like darling did. Nothing will ever be better than hearing Hank's "my love," but at least this doesn't irritate the hell out of me.

"Mind if I hang out with you for a while?" I figured he'd be in his room watching hockey. Scott watches downstairs, and he avoids Scott since the hallway confrontation a few weeks ago.

"No, 'course not." He's a little surprised. I know he thinks I'm mad about this morning.

"Can I say something to you?"

"'Course." He's bracing himself a little. He thinks I'm going to bitch him out.

"I'm not mad at you. It was just..I just realized how much I've been depending on you, you know, since Hank died. And I got a little mad at myself for that." I've probably been a little mad at myself for that for a long time, but when he offered to take me shopping for some new things for the room-it reminded me of Hank and I doing that and all that emotion found a flash point. I shouldn't have yelled. Or cried. Or told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again. I was punishing him because he was there for me to go shopping with, and Hank wasn't. And I was punishing myself for wanting to go-wanting to do something pleasant-when I should just be wallowing in misery. I felt like buying a shower curtain with Logan along was somehow an affront to Hank's memory. Now that I'm thinking at least a little rationally, I can see how all of those feelings got dumped right on Logan. And that's really not fair to him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of those things I said. I don't hate you at all. I-I like you. You've been really good to me, Logan. I appreciate that."

"Thanks, baby. Thanks for telling me that." He's smiling. Good. I think it's OK now.

"Shh, it's OK."

"I'm s-sorry." God, I wish I didn't have these damn nightmares.

"It's OK, baby. I'm right here. You're gonna be OK." Logan's been right at my door every time I wake up from one. It's got to be playing havoc with his sleeping patterns too. They've been coming more frequently lately. Sometimes they go through stretches like that. God, how I hate those stretches.

"H-hold on to me." I know Scott and everybody thinks it's wrong, Logan coming to my room at night like this, getting into the bed that Hank and I slept in. But they just don't understand the nightmares. I can feel them, just like I am Logan, and I can somehow watch what's being done to him at the same time. It's horrible. I can feel saws cutting into my flesh and bone, feel my skin-sometimes my face-being pulled away, feel hot metal pouring over my exposed bones. Maybe I'm just weak, but Hank would've understood that it's easier, so much easier, if someone's there to hold you after feeling all that. He would have wanted that for me and understood. I'm sure of it.

"I gotcha. I gotcha. I'm not gonna let go." I think sometimes he doesn't hold me as tight as Hank used to because he's afraid of hurting me. He's-he's not as good at this as Hank was. Logan just doesn't quite know what to do. He waits for me to tell him.

"Rub m-my back a l-little, please?" I hate how I sound-crying uncontrollably and so, so needy. But it has to come out. I just have to let it come out.

"Sure, baby. Like this?"

"Y-yes. Th-thanks."

"Baby?" I like that better than darling, and maybe better than Rogue. At least right now.

"Y-yeah?"

"I just want you to know..anythin' you want from me, anythin' you need, you just ask it and I'll give it to you. Anythin' at all. I wanna be here for you, for whatever you need."

"O-OK." I can think of something I need from him. I can ask for it. "C-could you-could you tell me s-s-something?"

"Anythin'." He's holding me nice and tight now with one arm, and stroking my back very gently with the other.

I know I said that I gave up. And I did. And I'm glad I did, because it led me to Hank. And I wouldn't trade that, not ever, not for any reason. But I've always wondered, and I'd like to know. If I'm going to keep depending on him, if he's going to be the one coming to me after bad dreams, if he's going to be in my life in any meaningful way at all, really, I'd like to know.

"D-did you ever l-love me?"

"Honest answer?" He knows that's a rhetorical question. He knows me at least that well. "I've loved you every minute of every day since I met you. I just...I didn't know what to do with that. I fucked up and I hurt you, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever know for that. It still rips me up. I just....I never thought you'd love me back, not really, not more than a crush or somethin'. I'm not - I never thought that you'd love me back."

"You w-were wrong. I d-did."

"I know that now, baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Why d-didn't you think I w-would?"

"The truth is I knew I was no good for ya, I knew you'd find someone better. And the truth is I was scared. I didn't wanna love you. I didn't wanna love you and I didn't want you to love me because it was so powerful and it took me over and I didn't like that. It was easier to be with Jeannie. She wasn't....that wasn't there with her at all. I'm sorry - I know that probably hurts to hear, but that's the truth."

"You didn't have to be scared of me. I wouldn't have hurt you."

"I know that baby, I know. I just fucked up. I got scared." He sounds so miserable. Everything that's happened between us - it's hurt him too. And he didn't have anyone like Hank. He didn't have someone to fix it, to make him feel whole again.

"I'm sorry it turned out that way."

"You don't hafta be sorry. What happened was all my fault. I just - I hope you can forgive me for that. I know you can't now and maybe not really ever, not totally. I just want to do good for you now. I just want to do right by you from now on."

You know what? Life is short. Life is shorter than you think. There's not a lot of time for bullshit. Granted, part of me is still mad. Part of me wants to kick him while he's down, twist the knife good, and tell him I'll never, ever forgive him. But that's mean. And it's not true. Because I forgave him, the best parts of me forgave him, a long time ago. And I'm not a mean person. That wouldn't be the person that Hank loved.

"Logan, I forgive you. I do."

"You don't hafta say that-"

"In case you haven't noticed, I tend to be a pretty literal person. I say it, I mean it. And I mean this. I forgive you."

God, that's a tight squeeze. And I can feel him shaking all over. He's the one who needs held now.

"It's just another burst blood vessel in your eye. Should clear up in a week or so." Jean's mad. I think at me. I think because of Logan. I know that emotion pretty well. She's on her way to giving up on him. And I don't really know what to tell her about that.

"Thanks."

"Yeah." Maybe I do know one thing to tell her about that.

"Give up."

"What?"

"Give up being mad at Logan. Give up being mad at me. Give up being mad at Scott and yourself too."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. You loved him. He didn't love you back. Scott loves you and you're mad at yourself for pissing that away. Just let it go. Do what you need to, to move on. Life is short."

"Well, it's nice that you know so much isn't it?" She gets mad when she doesn't get what she wants. Mad and insulting. All of that-it's really all about her. It's not really about me at all.

"I know that I'd give a lot just to have a little time back. You're wasting time."

"I wouldn't think you'd want to go back in time-both Hank and Logan won't fit in that bed of yours." Meaner and more insulting. I expected that. But that comment was out of line. Way out of line. She's going to get a good smack right across that insulting mouth of hers. "Rogue! You-you hit me!"

"You deserved it. You know what? I'm wasting time with you right now, trying to tell you things. The only reason-the ONLY reason-I'm doing it is because Hank loved you. He loved you a lot, Jean. And he would have cringed to hear you say what you just did to me. That's not the person he thought you were."

"Rogue, you- how dare you tell me anything about Hank? He was my friend for a lot of years before you came along!"

"He was my lover and my best friend. And I know he would be ashamed of how you're acting now."

"What about you? What about how you're acting?"

"I don't think he would have a single problem with me or how I live my life. He loved me. He understood me. He would want me to *live* my life, not crawl in the grave with him." I know I'm crying, but I don't really care.

"You don't understand."

"What don't I understand, Jean? What it feels like to lose someone you love? What it feels like to realize that someone you love doesn't love you back?"

"You don't understand what I gave up for him!"

"You chose to give Scott up for Logan."

"I made the wrong choice. Logan wasn't worth it." She's saying that because she thinks it'll hurt me. I hope she knows that, for her, it's also true.

"You can't change that now. Move on. Scott - if you still love Scott, tell him. If you still love Logan, well, tell him that and see if you can patch up things with him. If not, move on."

"Is that some kind of dare?" Mean and insulting. And snide. Well, I've done my duty to Hank here.

"No. It's the best advice you'll probably ever ignore. Goodbye, Jean."

"Hey."

"Hey, baby." I knew I'd find him out here. He always heads out into the woods to think. But not too far out, so that I can always find him if I should need him for something. "Somethin' up?"

"Yeah, kind of. I wanted to talk to you a little."

"You know, I shouldnta said that. I was outta line."

"You surprised me. But I'm not sorry you said it."

"You're not?"

"No."

"Well, good. Good." He's easing. Those eyebrows unknit, and his shoulders drop down.

"Would you mind saying it again? Because I think I'd like to change my response this time."

"Rogue?"

"Please?" He doesn't quite know what's going on. It's OK. I do. And it's not a bad thing. I meant it when I said I wouldn't hurt him.

"I love you."

"Thank you. I'd like the chance to get to know you again, Logan. I'd like the chance to be close to you again. What do you think about that?" Much better than my earlier response of 'I can't believe you told me that.' Also true, but he took it in the wrong way.

"I'd like that, baby. I'd like that a lot."

"Good. I was thinking about what you said, about that cabin you have up in Canada. It might be good for both of us to get away for a while, if you wanted to go."

He's smiling, surprised but happy. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to go. We can go right now."

"Let's pack first, OK?" A little laugh from him, that's a good sign. I'm laughing a little too. An even better sign. I don't know what'll happen with us. But I think I can try. I think I can try again. I don't think I'll end up having to give up again. It's risky, I know. But he's worth it. And I meant what I said to Jean-life is short. Too short for a lot of bullshit. Too short to give up on everything. Short enough that I know I'm ready to try now.