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Title: Spare Change - Jean’s Two Cents Author: Terri E-Mail: xgrrl26@yahoo.com Rating: PG-13, Semi-BadJean Disclaimer: I don’t own them. Poo. Archive: Dolphin Haven, Peep Hut, Agony and Ecstasy - anyone else, please ask ;) Feedback: Please? With a rest from the peeps on top? Good, bad, and ugly welcome……. Summary: AU. Jean has trouble dealing with Scott. And with what she’s done. Lies, sex, and misunderstandings. Comments: For the record - I kinda sympathize with Jean here. To an extent - she was put in a very difficult position, and she *does* want on some level to rectify her mistake. -------------------------------------------------- I have to tell him. I have to tell him soon. I just can’t bear all the emotion rolling off of him. It’s too much, too much. “Darling, are you all right?” “Fine, fine - I’m fine.” Serious frown. Waves of sadness. Feelings of helplessness, like he wants to comfort me, but is afraid he won’t be able to, won’t be successful. “I know this last skirmish with Logan must’ve dredged up some bad memories for you, and I want you to know you - you can talk to me about them. If you want. If you need to.” “No, it’s fine.” I didn’t count on this, you know. I didn’t count on Scott taking it so hard, so personally. Like Logan assaulting me was some black mark on his soul. I know I shouldn’t be angry at him, but sometimes I am. I mean, I *didn’t* say rape, I never said rape. All I said was that Logan assaulted me, which was true - after all, what would you call posting those pictures of me on the internet? - and everyone jumped to their own conclusions, assuming I was too demure or too polite somehow to say the word ‘rape.’ OK, I didn’t correct those assumptions, but, honestly, what was I going to say? I have to tell Scott something soon, but no matter what, I don’t think I’ll ever tell him the whole story. He just wouldn’t understand. “How’s Kitty doing with decoding that disk you found?” I can’t believe it’s not some kind of trap, some kind of virus meant to infiltrate our computers. Why else would Magneto plant it on Scott? “Kitty? Um, I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her.” A different kind of guilt coming off of him now. I know he’s attracted to the girl, but for heaven’s sake, I wish he wouldn’t throw off so much guilt all the time over a little harmless attraction. It must be because she used to be his student. I know how uptight Scott can be about those things, but, being a telepath, you begin to realize that everyone locks away some dirty little secret or other in the deep recess of their minds. It’s not like this is such a big deal - she’s a cute girl, and he’s not blind. I know he’d never, ever act on it, so what’s the harm? “I know she’s working on it.” “I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Scott……….” There has to be a way to tell him, at least a little of it. “This thing, with Logan, it’s - it’s over with, you know. It’s not really - I’m dealing with it just fine, and it wasn’t - well, it wasn’t really as bad as it could’ve been, you know? It’s over.” “You do want to talk about it, don’t you?” God, Scott……. “You can tell me, Jean - you can tell me anything. It’s - it’s OK. However you feel about it is OK.” Look at him, trying so hard. But he’s wrong. He’s dead wrong. There’s one way of feeling about it that he definitely wouldn’t be OK with. But there are feelings - not about the sex itself, but everything that came after, everything that came with the posting of those pictures - feelings that maybe I need to let out. “I feel………stupid. And taken advantage of. And ashamed, I guess, even though I know I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of.” Except the cheating part - that, I am ashamed of. I cheated on you, Scott, and I am so, so sorry. “Those feelings are perfectly understandable, Jean. I’m so glad you’re finally saying something. I………I’m so sorry, you know, that I wasn’t there to save you, to protect you. I still can’t understand how Logan got you away from us, and I know you’re not ready to talk about that part of it still, but I’m just so sorry.” Twist the knife, Scott, why don’t you? God, this isn’t going to be easy, is it? It may not even be doable at all if he keeps pumping out all these *emotions*. “Don’t feel sorry. Or guilty. It wasn’t your fault.” “But - ” “No buts, Scott. It wasn’t your fault.” Now more helpless feelings, and a lot of sadness. He’s upset because I’m not letting him blame himself. I can’t - I just can’t do this. I’ve got to get away from him for a little while. It’s too much. “You know what? I think I’m going to go for a walk in the gardens, by myself. I think I just need a little - a little alone time.” “Jean - ” Grabbing my arm and all those feelings are even stronger. Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! “Whatever I said wrong or didn’t do right, I - ” “It’s not that. I’ve got to go. I’ll be back in later.” Have to get away before it gets to be too much. Have to get away. I just can’t - I can’t deal with this anymore, I can’t. Something has to give. We can’t go on this way. Something just has to give. |