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Title:
Attack of the Killer Peeps
Author:
Terri
Rating:
PG-13, nakedness and peep carnage
Disclaimer:
I don't own the characters, but I have purchased several boxes of peeps
recently.
Archive:
Nothing this silly should be preserved, but if you want it, go ahead.
Feedback:
Please? With a flaming peep on top?
Summary:
The x-men face the greatest evil the world has seen.
Comments:
This can be wholly blamed on Victoria - well, actually no. It can also
be blamed on Andariel for finding the peep-experimentation site. And
on unnaturally-colored-inedible-animal-shaped candies. And my own mental
health issues. But bonus points for guessing all of the recent fics
referred to - and look - I even made a nice Jean! If you want to read
more about the Peeps adventures, check them out HERE.
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It had been
a relatively uneventful day at the mansion. Logan and Rogue were sitting
at the kitchen table, having breakfast. Scott and Jean were out on
the porch, having coffee. Ororo was off somewhere in the gardens, and
the Professor was meditating in his office. Hank was in the lab, working
to identify the terrible troublesome plague upon the x-men that were known
only as "plot bunnies."
These vile
creatures apparently manifested themselves in innocent-looking candy - those
little marshmallow bunnies, peeps, as they were commonly known, that took
over the shelves of every Wal-mart, Target, and grocery store in the weeks
preceding Easter. Once taking over the body of a host-peep, a plot
bunny could wreak the kind of havoc only dreamed of by Magneto. Since
their initial encounter with this particular villain almost a year ago, the
plot bunnies had made Jean into an awful, bitchy homewrecker, had turned
Remy into a heartless tomcatting jerk, and had turned Logan and Rogue into
two of the most exhausted people at the mansion. The plot bunnies had
truly been hardest on them, forcing them to endure almost every conceivable
manner of adventure, romance, and angst. There was even a stretch where
Rogue disappeared entirely due to a plot bunny having convinced her of her
own death. Hank's work was critical. The plot bunnies must be
contained.
So it was
with some surprise and more than a little alarm that Rogue noticed Hank
coming upstairs into the kitchen.
"Hello,
Hank." Rogue greeted for both herself and Logan.
"Ah, hello
all. We, uh, have a little situation occurring in the lab. I
must ask you all to leave the mansion immediately, I'm afraid. There
has been an incident with one of the captive plot bunnies, and well, they've
taken over the lab."
"Oh, no!"
Jean gasped, having come to the kitchen upon noticing Hank. "Quick,
Scott, let's get out of here before I get all bitchy and sleep with Logan
again!"
"You know,
Jean, there was that time that one of them made me sleep with Rogue."
Logan growled a little at that. Before the plot bunnies, he'd fought
alongside Rogue for years, but never really considered her romantically.
Now that she'd somehow gotten younger, sweeter, and much less sassy, he
liked her a lot better. Especially since she was usually having sex
with him once one of these plot bunny episodes struck.
"Scott!"
"Ahem.
I meant yes, let's go immediately!"
But before
the x-men could make their escape, two alarmingly pink plot-bunny-possessed
peeps showed themselves, blocking the kitchen doorway. For such small
things, they radiated a lot of evil.
"AU-fic!"
one of them screeched, and suddenly Logan was dressed like something out
of a romance novel - long, flowing hair and an open shirt. The peep
let out a horrible, cackling laugh while Logan just looked confused.
"Oh, God,
it's starting," Hank moaned.
Just then,
the other peep screeched, "Challenge fic!" Suddenly, Logan, Rogue and several
of the younger x-men found themselves in a bed, watching a movie.
A movie that featured a lead actor closely resembling Logan.
"What the
hell?" The Wolverine did NOT like date movies.
"We've got
to stop them, Logan," Rogue whispered. "I can't go through being in
love with Bobby again, not even if he was some big mutant resistance leader.
We've got to stop them."
Suddenly,
the pink peeps were joined by three lavender peeps, each looking more evil
than the next. God, Rogue thought, I'm always going to associate pastel
colors with evil now..
"Evolution
fic!" one of the purple ones screamed, and the bed disappeared, leaving a
MUCH younger Rogue in it's wake. She looked thoroughly out of it, almost
drugged, and Logan suddenly had a cowboy hat on. As if that weren't
enough, Rogue started wailing something about an apartment fire as soon as
she recovered her bearings.
"Now, look
here," Hank tried to reason with the cackling bunnies, "you must leave us
or we will.we will be forced to eat you."
"Yes," Jean
chimed in, "with chocolate and graham crackers." Frankly, it was an empty
threat. Personality changes and ever-changing sexual partners were
one thing, but putting that manufactured goo through your digestive system
was quite another.
"You cannnnt
eeeet usss, we're peeeeeepppppssss!" That came from the pink ones,
in unison.
"Look,"
Scott began, "we mean you no harm. We only want to live in harmony
with you."
"Fic!
We bring fic!"
"Heavens,
I only wish I knew what they meant by that," Hank pondered. This 'fic'
seemed all-important to the plot bunnies, and perhaps it could be used to
soothe or control them. Perhaps even to defeat them. Maybe,
just maybe, this 'fic' was the source of their evil powers.
"Smutfic!"
That was another purple one. That particular cry was among the most
feared by the x-men. It often meant sudden nakedness and led to all
kinds of embarrassment and sordid interpersonal relationships.
This time
wasn't too bad - the nakedness only affected Logan and Rogue, who, frankly,
were quite used to it now. They'd been transported to a shower, where
Rogue was avidly watching them go at it courtesy of a strategically-placed
mirror.
While the
bunnies were distracted by Logan and Rogue and their creative use of a shower
massage tool, Scott, Hank, and Jean hatched a plan. It was daring,
maybe a little crazy, but the plot bunnies had to be subdued.
"Here bunny,
bunny, bunny," Jean called. They seemed to turn especially vicious
around Jean for reasons no one could determine. The only clue they'd
ever given was a bunny-shout of "issues!" during one particularly ugly attack.
They all
turned in unison to advance on Jean. While she kept their attention,
Scott snuck up on the five-peep horde and, with one quick blast of his powers,
incinerated them all.
The smell
of burning peep flesh was horrid, yet satisfying. "Are those all of
them, Hank?"
"Yes, yes,
all that I had in the lab. But you realize, they may have multiplied
in the time they were loose. We could be facing more peeps."
"Good God,"
Rogue said, still naked and dripping wet, as she untangled herself from
Logan.
"I know,
Rogue," Scott commiserated, "We'll find a way to stop them for good.
Don't worry."
"Oh. Uh,
yeah. Stop them for good, that's right."
Logan tossed
her a wicked grin. "Let's go upstairs and find some clothes, darlin'."
"Yeah, yeah.
Clothes. That's a good idea." Rogue dutifully followed behind
Logan.
"I honestly
don't know how those two cope," Scott said, shaking his head sadly, "it's
always worse for them."
Out of sight
of the x-men, Logan and Rogue exchanged glances as they ascended the stairs.
Logan winked at her, then revealed what he'd been holding in his hand behind
his back. It was a peep. A yellow peep.
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