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Title: Office Hours "Come in." "Uh, hey. Me again, darlin'." "Oh, Lord. Don't you 'darlin' me, Logan. What happened this time? Can't you go just one week without needing my help on something?" "Ah, apparently not. But this time it wasn't my fault. Really." "Mmm-hmmm. So what is it this time? Damages to some dive bar? Criminal assault charges? Destruction of property? What?" "Well, the papers said – uh, here. You're the lawyer, you read through 'em." "Disturbing the peace. How…..quaint." "Yeah, see – me and Marie, we went out for a little drive. We stopped in at this place for a drink – you know, just your everyday, normal kinda bar. And then we, um, we – well, you see, we……….." "Got in a fight?" "No." "Wrecked the bar?" "No." "Well, what then?" "We got a little, you know, excited, and we went out inta the alley behind the place and, well, you know…….." "No, I don't know – you're going to have to tell me." "We made love. Uh, at a loud volume, apparently. Woke up some of the neighbors. It was 2 am, so they called the cops. We were done by the time the cops showed up – we were quiet by then, honest." "That Marie is one lucky woman." "What?" "Nothing. I'll take care of it. I'll talk to the prosecutor and see if we can work out some community service or a fine, OK?" "Whew – thanks, darlin'." "Yeah, yeah – if you wanted to thank me, you'd find *me* a man to get busy with in a dark alley." "What?" "Nothing. It's no problem. But Logan – try to stay out of trouble, OK? I'd like to go on vacation next week, you know." "Sure, darlin'. And I'll see what I can do about that guy for the dark alley." "Logan!" "Super-senses, darlin', can't forget 'bout those…….." "Smug jerk." "Heard that." "Just send in whoever's next, all right? Stupid non-love-life…….." "Hello." "Hi, Jean. I'm surprised to see you in my office. What can I do for you?" "Well, I'm afraid I'm being sued for malpractice." "Oh, my. What happened?" "It's nothing, really – you see, we had some civilian casualties and one of them was unconscious. While I was patching him up, I, ah, well, my fingers lingered a bit." "Jean! Where, exactly, were you patching this guy up?" "Oh, it was just on his stomach. I can't help it. I have a thing for hairy tummies." "Tummies?" "Yes, tummies. What?" "Tummies is kind of a non-doctory word, don't you think?" "Well, it's not a clinical term, no, but……." "OK. Never mind. I'll talk to the plaintiff's lawyer and see what I can do. Anything else I should know?" "No, that's about it." "OK. No more tummy touching, got it? And you'd better let Hank handle any of the unconscious ones until we get this resolved. Have they made a complaint to the state medical board?" "No, not yet." "All right. I'll handle it." "Thanks." "Sure. Could you send in whoever's next?" "Will do. Jubilee – it's your turn!" "Hey, chica." "Please tell me this doesn't involve farm animals." "Hey! That thing with the petting zoo was a joke – a JOKE!" "The zoo owners didn't think so." "It was funny!" "There's nothing amusing about dressing up poor, defenseless goats in sequined evening gowns." "It was a Ms. Goat America pageant. And it's a lot funnier if you're drunk while you're dressing them up." "Mmm-hmmm. So this time it's……." "Vandalism – I got served these papers, here, and the Prof had to post bond for me." "Vandalism? This just says you set off a fireworks display. Wasn't that – weren't you just using your powers?" "Totally!" "Well, then it should be relatively easy to clear up these charges. I'll just - " "How was I supposed to know that there was a stockpile of, like, actual fireworks in that building? They didn't label it or anything, you know!" "You blew up a stockpile of fireworks with your powers?" "Totally by accident!" "…….*sigh*……..I'll try for community service or a fine. Restitution or something. Gee, maybe you and Logan can do a community service project together." "Cool." "I was being sarcastic, Jubilee – you have to be more careful." "Right-o, law lady. Are we finito here?" "Yeah, yeah – if there's anyone else out there, send them in." "No problema!" "Greetings, fair esquire." "Um….Hank? You're in trouble? You – *you* got in trouble? I never see you in my office." "Ah, trouble has not brought me to your doorstep. I would like to inquire as to your expertise in patent law." "Oh. Whew. I was worried there for a second." "Fear not. I am considerably more law-abiding than my teammates. And I leave the confines of the mansion far less often." "You should get out more. I'd be willing to put up with a misdemeanor arrest or two. You can't spend your whole life in the lab, you know." "Indeed. But – back to my query about patent law?" "Well, my expertise in that area is non-existent. Sorry. But I do have a friend that does copyright, and he's in a firm that does patent – I can give him a call if you like." "Is he, ah….." "Expensive? Well, he's not as cheap as me, but that's only because you're getting an in-house rate. Luckily for you, the Professor negotiated a set sum for attorney fees. And, you know, at the time, I thought it was a lot of money, but after dealing with a half-dozen new cases every single week……….well, never mind about that. As for the patent firm – they're probably average for the field." "No. I meant to say is the attorney, ah…..are his attitudes……is his…….is he….." "Mutant-friendly?" "Yes." "My friend is, and I'll have him check on the patent people in his firm. Don't worry, Hank – I wouldn't send you to anyone who'd give you a hard time." "Ah. Many thanks." "No problem. Just – keep staying out of trouble. The rest of you guys keep me busy enough." "You have yourself a deal. Shall I send in the next person?" "There's more people out there?" "Ah, yes. Several. Scott would like to inquire about some domestic issues – I believe that he desires to get the engagement ring he gave Jean back since they have now broken up. And Ororo would also like to inquire about suing a nursery that provided her with a fungus-infested plant. Bobby has some taxation matters, and Kitty is – " "Hank, this invention of yours, the one you'd like to patent – what is it?" "Well, it is a marvelous idea, if I do say so myself. However it is very complicated and may take some time to explain, especially to someone without a doctorate in quantum physics. I am certain you are far too busy to - " "Oh, please – do explain. I'd love to hear all about it." "Ah, what about – about the others awaiting their consultations?" "Maybe they'll go away after a few hours." "Terri……." "Hank………" "But – but they need your help." "Scott doesn't get the ring back. 'Ro can sue for the cost of the plant and any others that were destroyed by the fungus, but she'd be better off handling it informally – the court costs would be about triple what she'll get out of it. If Bobby's done something to cross the IRS, he's just plain screwed, and whatever Kitty's problem is, I bet she's got more Scott on the mind than anything else and there's not a darn thing I can do to help her with that. Hank, I'm sick to death of hearing about other people's problems. I need a break, just for a little while. Come on, tell me about it." "Well, if you are sure………" "Wow, Hank must be in a lot of trouble." "I don't know, Bobby – maybe they're talking about some complicated legal thing. You know how Hank likes to learn all about stuff. Maybe he's picking her brain." "Kit – nobody talks to lawyers just for fun. It's – they're kind of like their own special class of mutant. They're people who argue for a living – that's just plain psycho." "Oh, I don't know. This one seems kind of nice." "Well, if by 'nice' you mean that she hasn't quit yet, I guess so. The last one only made it five weeks, and I think he's still 'recovering' in that mental health facility down in Jersey……" "Yeah. Well, I guess we'll just have to wait until Hank's done." "Hmph. I'm gonna get some sandwiches. And a drink. Want anything?" "Yeah, might as well – it could be a while………gee, you know, I think Bobby's right - he *must* be in some big legal trouble……." |