Ophelia and Not Title:  Ophelia and Not Author:  Terri E-mail:  xgrrl26@yahoo.com Rating:  R, adult themes Disclaimer:  I don't own any of them, but if I did, I think I'd be sorely tempted to give Jean a butt-whoopin' if she ever acted like she does here Archive:  WRFA, Mutual Admiration, Peep Hut, everyone else, please ask and I'll say yes ;) Feedback:  Please!  Pretty please?  Good, bad, and ugly welcome, but be forewarned that flames will be publicly mocked ;) Summary:  Kitty takes Scott's rejection hard, and Scott takes measures to make sure Rogue doesn't follow in Kitty's footsteps. Comments:  This is a product of an orphan plot bunny (I can't remember who flung it.but please step forward and claim your prize if you did) that asked for a fic where Scott urges Logan to tell Marie he loves her.  It gnawed on my butt for a good long time before anything got written, but finally, this ficlet came out ;)  It's not my favorite, but it did get me back into the swing of things after a 'surprise' business trip out west for a week and a friend showing up on my doorstep at midnight this Friday, asking to be taken to a detox program.  Oh, how I love my life when it's like this ---------------------------------------------------- Scott entered the kitchen to find Rogue sitting at the table, sipping a mug of hot chocolate.  Scott was glad to see her - he was exhausted on top of exhausted, and Rogue was one of those people that he could sit and talk with easily.  Given all that had happened in the past few days, that kind of low-effort conversation would be welcome, maybe even relaxing.  "Hey, Rogue." "Hey."  She looked up from her hot chocolate and gave him a gentle smile.  "How are you holding up?" Horribly, Scott thought.  All things considered, I'm doing just awful, thank you very much.  "Me?  I'm doing OK.  How about you?" "Hanging in there.  I just came up from the medlab." Rogue's ever-present slight smile quirked into an apologetic one.  "I was just headed down.  How is she?"  A momentary flash of surprise traveled Rogue's features, but then the smile returned.  "Better, I think.  Hank's keeping a close eye on her, and you know how he is - he improves anyone's mood." Rogue paused, then continued more seriously.  "Are you sure it's a good idea for you to go down there, Scott?" Scott looked stricken.  "She - does she not want to see me?  The last time, I thought it helped, I thought - " "No, no.  Kitty would love to see you, I'm sure.  But what about Jean?"  Rogue said the words with some obvious trepidation, but Scott only looked at her blankly. "What about her?" Rogue looked confused, then embarrassed.  "Well, I don't think a repeat of what happened on Tuesday would be such a good idea right now.  At least - at least not for Kitty.  I mean, I'm sure Jean wouldn't be as - I'm sure she'd be more - I, uh, never mind.  You know what?  Just forget I said anything.  Kit would love to see you."  Rogue dropped her head and seemed to be fascinated by the marshmallow arrangement taking place her hot chocolate. "Rogue," Scott began slowly, "I don't know what you're talking about." "Of course."  Rogue nodded apologetically.  "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm just a little overprotective, a little paranoid about Kit right now." "Me too," Scott agreed, "but I don't - you said something about Jean and last time?  I don't get that part." "You know......"  Rogue looked away as she averred. "Tuesday.  Jean's talk with Kitty about the whole thing.  I'm sure she was mad and everything, and she had a right to be.  I mean, Kit - it's just a crush, you know?  But I'm sure I'd be mad if someone made a big pass at my husband, even if I knew it wasn't - " "Jean was mad?"  Scott was plainly surprised.  Jean had seemed to take Kitty's awkward romantic overtures and the 'big pass' - cornering Scott for a kiss - in stride.  Jean seemed as sympathetic and shaken after Kitty's subsequent suicide attempt as Scott himself had.  He hadn't seen, or sensed through their telepathic link, any anger from Jean about the whole situation.  Scott had been very pleased and proud of the way Jean had reacted. "Just frustrated, I'm sure," Rogue demurred, perhaps beginning to catch on that Scott hadn't known about Jean's discussion with Kitty.  "Rogue," Scott leaned forward and continued in his 'command' voice, "tell me exactly what happened." "Scott, you should really talk to Jean about it." Rogue waved him off as she rose to put the now-empty cocoa cup in the sink.  "I will.  But I want to hear your side of things, now."  Rogue winced a little at his increasingly sharp tone, and Scott huffed.  "Sorry.  I just - I need to know what's going on, OK?" Rogue looked indecisive for a moment, then blew out a breath and leaned back against the sink.  "After Jean had patched Kitty up and after she regained consciousness, Jean told her in no uncertain terms that she was personally insulted by Kitty's behavior and that she was very disappointed in her.  She also told her that you weren't interested in her in the least, and that you never would be.  Jean told Kitty that she should stop embarrassing herself with her behavior, and that slashing her wrists in the bathtub was a classic method of getting attention - not a real suicide attempt.  Jean said that she'd recommend psychiatric commitment if Kitty's 'issues' continued. I'm sure - I'm sure Jean meant well - tough love and all - but it was just the wrong timing.  Kitty wasn't even out of her hospital bed, and she took it pretty hard.  I think - I think that's why she phased herself to the bottom of the lake.  She wanted to show she was serious about......"  Rogue trailed off as she caught Scott's expression.  Not only was he apparently completely surprised, he wasn't too happy about it. "It was just lucky for Kit that I was out walking and heard the water sloshing around.  And that we have a very clear lake." "Kitty told you this?" "Well, yeah.  Plus - I eavesdropped a little."  Rogue blushed as she admitted it.  "I was just worried about Kit, you know?  I could smell how mad Jean was and I - I was just a little worried.  I went in and talked to Kit after, you know, to tell her not to worry and that we were all going to stick by her and that she didn't need - she didn't need to be committed or anything. I'm no expert, but the Professor's a counselor and so is Hank, and they'd said that they wanted to help her and - " "Rogue," Scott bit out, interrupting, "Why didn't you tell me this before?"  Rogue could smell that he was angry, but she couldn't fathom why he'd be angry with her for not saying anything.  She looked at him with plain confusion and stated the obvious.  "I thought Jean would." "She didn't," Scott admitted through clenched teeth. Actually, he was angry with himself for not guessing that Jean would do something like this.  He'd accepted her even-tempered attitude toward Kitty without question, and he shouldn't have.  He knew she was almost paranoically jealous.  If he touched or smiled or talked to a woman, Jean unfailingly made some comment about it. He should've guessed that a student of his planting a kiss on him in front of her would bring about something like this. "I'm - I'm sorry."  Rogue's eyes had gotten very big and were now darting everywhere in the kitchen except in Scott's direction. "No, no. I'm sorry."  Scott exhaled, deliberately trying to lower his tension level.  "I'm not upset at you.  I'm just - I wish I had known." Emboldened by his words, Rogue returned to sit at the table across from Scott.  "Kitty would really like to see you, you know?  I think the hardest thing, the worst thing for her is thinking that you might be embarrassed or mad or something.  If you go talk to her, she'll feel better.  Maybe - maybe just ask Jean not to say anything this time." Scott knew that wouldn't work - Jean would read from him that he'd talked to Kitty, he couldn't shield that from her if she was looking for it, and she probably was.  He was relatively sure she wouldn't heed his requests to leave Kitty alone, given what Rogue had said.  He'd just have to think of something, and prepare Kitty just in case whatever he thought of didn't work.  "Thanks, Rogue.  I - I appreciate you telling me." "Well, then don't tell Jean it was me," she half-joked.  Scott smiled for a moment, then turned suddenly very grave.  "You know, I hope you never - I mean I know that you - you have feelings for Logan, and I hope you don't get - get upset when he doesn't return those feelings like you want him to."  Rogue flinched back in surprise.  She and Scott rarely talked about Logan.  It wasn't a secret that she practically worshiped Logan, that they were very close, but she had thought Scott understood the situation.  "It's not like that," she blurted out.  "I would never wish for him to love me.  I'd never condemn him to a life like that.  It's bad enough that he - " Rogue seemed to suddenly remember that she didn't like talking about this whole area very much, and she shut her mouth and leaned back in her chair. "Did he do something to you?  Because if he did - " "No, no, nothing like that, Scott."  Rogue knew well that Scott was ever-vigilant for some sign that Logan had hurt her.  She remembered Scott telling her once how furious he'd been that Logan had stabbed her. Rogue had reminded him that the internal organs shish-kabobed that night had been hers, and if she wasn't mad, he shouldn't be either.  She'd also reminded him that she almost killed Logan as well, but it did little to assuage Scott's suspicions.  "It's just - all I ever do is get him in trouble.  I don't want to hurt him anymore.  I want him to have -" Her emotions caught up with her and she choked up a bit. "I want him to have a good life.  I want him to be happy, and I know - I know that won't be with me."  The earnestness, the matter-of-factness in her voice shook Scott.  The few tears leaking out despite what he knew were her best efforts to hold them in worried him even more.  "Rogue - " "I'm OK, Scott," she said softly.  "I'm not going to jump in the lake.  It's - it's just how my life is. I'll get over it." "You love him."  It wasn't a question, and Rogue didn't answer.  "Oh, Rogue......"  Scott's warning tone in her name was enough to foretell where this conversation would be going.  Rogue decided to cut him off before she made any more of a mess of things. Maybe it was time to just lay her cards on the table. Maybe Scott would finally realize that she wasn't in any 'danger' of having that kind of relationship with Logan if she just told him what's what. "I'll always love him, Scott.  Really, really love him.  It's not like Kitty and you, I - it's just not like that.  But I know - I know that even if he might have a feeling or two like that for me, he won't - he won't do anything about it.  He just - he just doesn't see me like that, and I'm so grateful.  So grateful, Scott.  I would never wish for bad things for Logan, and I can only bring him bad things."  Her voice had softened at the end and she leaned across the table, a few more tears leaking out.  "I don't have any silly fantasies about happily-ever-after, Scott.  I know - I've seen what life really is.  I might not want it to be that way sometimes, but I can't change that.  My mutation - even the Professor says there's no hope.  I couldn't - I couldn't ask that of Logan, not ever.  I want him - he deserves to be happy, to have a good life.  I know you don't like him, but - but he deserves that so much.  I couldn't ever wish for anything different for him.  It would break my heart, Scott.  That's what would break my heart."  It had cost Rogue  a lot to say those words, and she hoped Scott understood.  She leaned back in her chair and wiped away the tears. Scott opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again.  Rogue couldn't read his expression.  Finally, he rose from the table.  "Take care of yourself, Rogue.  I'm - I'm going down to see Kitty." "Scott - what about Jean?" He turned back at her call, and now she could read his expression - sadness.  Profound sadness and regret. "I'll take care of Jean.  Don't worry." "Thanks, Scott."  Rogue relaxed into the chair and watched him go.  Logan was lost in thought, working on his old Indian. He liked the solitude of the garage, and he liked that the grease and exhaust smells usually covered all the other ones, providing a distraction-free environment to work on the bike and to think things through.  The things he thought about usually revolved around Marie. Was she happy?  Was she safe?  Would she come to his room tonight, shaken by one of his nightmares?  Was he doing a good enough job of comforting her when she did?  Would tonight be a 'fun' night - would she catch him in the hall when he came up, offer to fetch him a beer, and sit and watch hockey with him?  And most importantly of all, what was she thinking about him? Was he just someone she was grateful to for saving her life or were they more than that?   Those thoughts were all milling around in his head tonight, so it was with some irritation, then, that he identified Scott's smell approaching.  "Ain't it past your bedtime, one-eye?"  Logan taunted without turning around.  He'd never liked Scott - probably, he could admit to himself, because the kid *had* saved his life and he hated owing anyone, especially someone as wet-behind-the-ears as Scooter. But after that awful night with Magneto, his distaste had hardened.  He'd shot at the machine with Marie in it, and, although Logan understood the tactical necessity of why, he'd never understand the emotional reality of how Scooter had actually done that, how he could pull the trigger on Marie.  "Are you in love with Rogue?" Logan laughed mirthlessly.  Scooter's never gonna stop riding me, Logan thought.  "Fuck off." "I asked you a question, I want an answer."  There was more than a little steel in Scott's voice, and it made Logan turn around to face him.  "And I gave you one.  Wanna hear it again?  Fuck off." Logan tone was mocking, light, but his eyes intently studied Scott's bearing and expression.  It told him that something was definitely up.  "If you're in love with her, then you should tell her."  That rocked Logan back on his heels. It definitely wasn't what he'd ever expect to hear from Scott.  "She loves you a lot, you know.  But she thinks she'll ruin your life if you love her back.  So if you love her, tell her.  If you don't, leave.  Get the hell away from her and do it now.  Let her have her own life.  Let her find someone who will love her."  Logan let out an inaudible growl at that.  "Let her go.  But this - whatever you two are doing now - this is killing her.  It has to stop." "Who the hell're you to - " "That's all I came to tell you, Logan.  Take it or leave it."  Scott turned and left, stalking away from a very bewildered Logan. "Hey, kid." Rogue's head snapped up as Logan entered the kitchen.  She immediately smiled at him quite warmly, and he wondered at the consistency of that reaction in her.  He didn't think anyone had ever smiled when they saw him coming.  "Whatcha doin'?" "Oh, just thinking.  I was down to see Kitty."  "How's she doin'?"  Logan didn't actually particularly care.  To him, the girl was just some kid that Marie knew, and one who had the poor taste to have a crush on Scooter, to boot.  The extent of his concern for Kitty was limited to the degree to which it impacted Marie.  Logan went ballistic when he found out that Rogue had jumped in the lake to drag the unconscious girl out.  He was so mad that he didn't really even remember what he'd been shouting at Marie as she coughed up water on the bank of the lake.  All he remembered was that her big soft eyes turned up to look at him and they looked sad.  That had shut him up promptly. "Better, I think.  Scott said he was going to go down and see her, and I think that will help." "Yeah, ran inta him on my way up here."  Logan took the seat next to Marie at the table.  "Listen, I was thinkin' that you and me, we'd do somethin' tonight." He wanted to test the waters with Marie a little, to find out if what Scott had told him had any merit.  "Sure.  Hockey?"  Marie smiled up at him brightly. Logan flashed back to Scott asking if he loved her. Looking at her now, Logan wondered how anyone could *not* fall in love with her.  "Nah.  Wanna go out?"  Maybe, if he could get her drinking a little, she'd open up and he'd know for sure if what Scott had said was true.  Part of him - the part that had only heard Scott say 'she loves you a lot' - hoped it was.  The other part of him - the part that cringed to think she didn't think he loved her back, the part that deflated at the thought that she was hurting - hoped he wasn't.  Logan couldn't stand to wait for very long to find out for sure. "I'd love to, but I kind of want to stick close to Kit-Kat just in case, you know?"  She frowned a little, disappointed that she couldn't do what he wanted.  Logan had an overwhelming urge to kiss her silly when she looked like that.  "Would you want to stay in?  I think there's a good game on tonight," she teased, "Detroit and Buffalo." "OK, you got me.  Grab a coupla beers and let's hit the TV room."  He could still get her to drink here, he thought.  And maybe the familiar surroundings would be even better for getting her to open up.  "Or - or you could go out.  I mean, I didn't mean to - to make you stay here."  The sincerely remorseful look on her face hit him like a ton of bricks.  It also told him that Scott was at least a little right.  That simultaneously pissed him off and broke his heart. "Go on out if you want.  I mean - " "Nah.  You know me, kid.  Never miss a good game.  Go on, grab us a coupla beers and let's settle in." Logan smiled at her warmly, a smile that only she had ever and would ever see.  She returned it, and went to the fridge.  Logan found himself planning how to tell Marie he loved her, how to make it right with her.  He hated to admit it, but he knew he needed to follow Scott's advice.  He knew he needed to do it soon.  "How is she?" Scott inquired of Hank in the outer office of the medlab.  Hank removed his glasses and rubbed at his nose before answering. "Reasonably all right.  She is quite fortunate that she was resuscitated before any brain damage occurred. She will make a complete recovery." "What about emotionally?  How is she emotionally?" Hank blew out a sigh.  "I think it will be a few days before we know for certain.  She appears to be very withdrawn, and I would not rule out another suicide attempt.  I have talked to her somewhat, but I think giving her a few more days to rest and heal before embarking on any form of psychotherapy would be best." Scott nodded his understanding. "Could I see her?" "Yes.  But Scott, be careful.  Try to reassure her. Now is not the time to encourage or dissuade her crush on you.  Just - just try to be supportive." "Will do," Scott agreed as he strode past the offices and into the medlab. Kitty was the only patient, and her head was tilted away from Scott.  She was seemingly staring at the TV, unmoving.  Scott paused a moment to look at her, feeling an almost tangible sadness rise from her hospital bed.  Fixing a small smile on his face, he moved closer to her bedside. "Hey," he called softly, getting her attention.  She met his eyes briefly, then cast hers down and fidgeted a little.  "How are you feeling?" "Fine," she answered hollowly.  Scott pulled a chair up next to her bed.  "I'm sorry." "You don't have to be sorry for anything, Kitty." Scott had hoped that would comfort her, but she still didn't meet his eyes.  He tried a different tack.  "I know what it feels like to be really sad, to feel like anything would be better than going on the way you have been.  I understand why you wanted everything to just - just stop.  But, Kit, the rest of us, we're selfish.  We don't want to lose you.  We like having you around." "You don't have to humor me."  That wasn't the reaction Scott had hoped for.  Kitty turned her head back to the TV.  "I'm not," Scott temporized, trying to find the right words to say. "I'm not going to try anything else, you don't have to worry.  I promised Rogue I wouldn't and I won't." Scott saw a tear creep down her cheek.  He wanted to give her a hug, but he was pretty sure that wouldn't be best.  "I'm glad," he answered honestly.  "You're my favorite student, and a good friend.  I really don't want to lose you."  He felt a few tears creeping into his voice as well. "I've been an awful friend to you.  I've - I've done nothing but cause problems for you.  Please - " Kitty turned toward Scott, revealing a red and puffy face. "Tell Jean I'm really, really sorry.  I didn't mean to - " "Jean should be the one apologizing to you," Scott interrupted sharply.  "She had no right to say those things to you, and I want you to know you're not - I was always flattered, Kit, never embarrassed.  I'm married to Jean, and I - I love her, but I was never mad about anything.  I want you to know that."  As soon as he was finished, he inwardly cursed himself for failing to follow Hank's instructions.  It had all just come out, and if Kitty took his words as a discouragement - "Thanks."  Kitty's small smile gave Scott hope that he hadn't bungled things irretrievably.  "I'm glad you're not mad." "I'm not," Scott reaffirmed, reaching out to give her hand a light squeeze.  "Mind if I stay and watch TV with you for a while?"  Kitty shook her head no, and Scott let go of her hand.  "Good." Two months later, Kitty was recovering well, Jean and Scott's marriage wasn't doing so well, and Logan felt like he'd been standing still with Rogue.  The more time he spent with her, the more he became convinced that Scooter had been right - Rogue did love him, but she didn't want him to love her back.  She was afraid she'd hurt him, that he'd be somehow shortchanged, if he did.  Logan had tried to find ways to show her that wasn't true, but he hadn't been very successful so far.  When he asked her to come over every night, nightmares or no, she simply said OK and did so.  She thought he was just trying to keep her in sight, just obsessing about her safety.  He asked her to move into his room, and she thought that was more of the same. He told her he loved her and she smiled and said "I know," thinking all the while that he was talking about a friendship kind of love.  Logan was reaching the end of his rope, and he'd decided that something had to happen soon.  Last night, he'd been holding her and kissing her head, as usual, and when his hand drifted to her breast, she'd looked up at him with the softest expression he'd ever seen and said that it was OK, that they could do whatever he wanted.  He only held her, and tried not to let the sadness he felt come through.  That she'd do that, that she'd give that to him, believing all the while he wouldn't and *shouldn't* love her just about broke him.  He had to do something, and soon. Luckily, he was presented with a perfect opportunity today.  It was the one-year anniversary of her being kidnapped by Magneto, and Logan had offered to take her to a hockey game, to take her mind off of it.  She gently demurred, saying that she'd like to go up to the statue instead, and that she wanted to go alone. There was no way that Logan wanted her alone up there, and he insisted on coming along.  It would be a good time to just lay it all out to her, to put his cards on the table.   What's the worst that could happen? he thought.  As they drove toward the city, just barely out of Xavier's driveway, Logan mulled his speech over in his head for the thousandth time, and finally decided he could wait no longer.  "Hey, Marie?" "Mmm-hmm," she replied absently, looking out the passenger side window.  "I wanna be in love with you, all right?  And I don't wanna have you stress about that.  It's a good thing." That caught her attention, and she turned to stare at him open-mouthed.  "Look, Scooter said somethin' about you thinkin' you'll ruin my life if I fall in love with you, but that's really not true at all.  You're a good thing in my life."  She still wasn't saying anything, so he continued.  "I know you love me, a lot, and I just think it's kinda silly to worry 'bout me havin' a bad life or somethin' 'cause I love you back.  That ain't how it is, it ain't how it's ever been, and it ain't how it's gonna be.  So..........so let's just do that then, huh?" "Logan," Marie began, finally finding her voice. "I've already been too much trouble to you.  I already owe you so much.  And I'd never - you could never touch me, I could never give you children, you'd never have a normal life." "I don't wanna have a normal life.  My normal life sucked.  Look, Marie, you've been worth it.  You've been worth everythin' 'cause you're the only person that's ever made me feel things, good things.  You're more than worth it, and if I got the unbelievable good luck to have ya love me, I just think it's kinda stupid to waste that.  Not everybody - shit, hardly anybody - gets that.  I think you should just, you know, lemme love ya back and quit worryin'." "But - but - " "But nothin'.  I ain't worried 'bout your skin, and kids - well, if we can think of somethin', great.  If not, that's OK.  I just want you.  I'm just - I'm hardwired that way, I've felt it ever since I saw ya climbin' outta my trailer in the snow.  I can't help lovin' ya, and I don't wanna.  I thought maybe you'd kinda get the hint that I wanted to be with ya, you know, outta love, when I asked ya to move in, but..........." "I thought you just wanted me right with you all the time.  Just - just to keep an eye on me or something. Just to make sure I was safe.  I - I - " "Look," Logan changed lanes and pulled the car over to the side of the road.  He shifted the lever into park and turned to squarely face her.  "It's you and me. That's just the way it is.  Stop worryin' 'bout it. You ain't ruinin' my life or some shit.   You're improvin' it.  You're improvin' it a lot.  I don't wanna live without ya, and I can't live with ya bein' all sad anymore.  I love you, you love me, it's all good.  OK?"  Logan was more nervous than he hoped he let on.  He knew he hadn't gotten it out quite right, and hadn't even managed to stick to what he'd planned to say in his head.  But it came from his heart, and he was pretty sure that Marie would see that.  But would she agree to it? "OK," she answered softly, wearing an expression of happy bewilderment.  "OK," she reaffirmed. "Good," Logan exhaled.  He smiled at her and then turned back to the steering wheel.  He was stayed by her small, gloved hand on his.  "Wait.  Let's - let's not go.  Can I change my mind? Can we go to the hockey game instead?  I just - if we're going to do this, let's just leave the bad things behind.  I don't want to start this with - with all those memories of you getting hurt hanging over us.  Let's not go, OK?" "Sure, darlin'."  Logan couldn't resist drawing her to him for a tight hug and a few kisses against her soft hair.  "But I gave away the hockey tickets.  We could try a scalper or - or we could go home and watch. Upstairs, in our room, maybe?"  That would be a perfect solution, Logan thought.  It would give them time alone together, time that he could use to show her how much he wanted to be with her, how much he loved her.  Screw the hockey game, he could watch Marie.  "Sounds good."  She squeezed him tightly then parted from him.  "Are you sure?  I mean, you can change your mind down the road if - " "I'm sure.  No changin'.  Let's go, darlin'."  Marie smiled at him, just another warm smile of hers, and he felt it all the way to his bones.  Finally, he turned the car around and headed home.