The X-Men: Weakest Link Title:  The X-Men: Weakest Link Author:  Terri E-mail:  xgrrl26@yahoo.com Rating:  PG-13 Disclaimer:  I don't own any of them.  Rats. Archive:  WRFA, Dolphin Haven, Peep Hut - anyone else, please ask and I'll happily provide :) Feedback:  Please?  With a cherry on top?  Good, bad, and ugly welcome. Summary:  The X-Men are contestants on The Weakest Link - only they're having a little trouble hanging on to a host.and getting the right answersand winning any money. Comments:  This was prompted by Karen's X-Men Jeopardy bunny. (I still laugh every time I think of her Logan answering 'lickable things' with 'Marie' - I hope Autumn's working on that one!)  I admit, I don't watch much of The Weakest Link, but I hope I got the basics right :)  Also, this one is written in a kind-of screenplay format, which is a little different than my usual, but I thought it would work for this little fooflet better :) -------------------------------------------------------- Opening Title and theme music for The Weakest Link plays.  Credits roll.  Announcer:  And now, filling in for our usual host, Ann Robinson, for this special all-mutant episode, the one, the only Magneto! [Smattering of applause.  Magneto crosses the stage to stand in the center.  He is dressed in full regalia, including helmet and cape, but he is wearing an inhibitor collar and several guards are stationed around the stage perimeter.] Magneto:  Be quiet, you fools.  We are Homo-Superior, not some bunch of trained monkeys brought here for your amusement.  [He glares at the all-human audience malevolently.] Announcer:  And now it's time to meet the contestants for this special edition of Weakest Link! [The first to walk out is Storm.  She is wearing her leather x-man uniform with a cape.] Announcer:  Ororo is a part-time X-Man and part-time gardener and instructor for the Xavier School for the Gifted.  Her hobbies include flying, reading, and cooking.  ['Ro waves to the crowd, and steps behind her podium.] Announcer:  Our next contestant is a self-described 'loner' who listed his full-time occupation as, ah, well, let's just paraphrase and say 'butt-kicker.'  Please meet Logan! [Wolverine snarls at the crowd as he emerges.  He's wearing only a tight pair of jeans and boots; no shirt.  Several women in the audience swoon.] Announcer:  Next we have X-Man team leader Scott Summers.  He lists his hobbies as organization, planning, and discipline.  Logan (under his breath to 'Ro):  And not the fun kinda 'discipline' either.  [Scott notices 'Ro's giggling and Logan's smirk but ignores them as he walks out to take his place.] Announcer:  This lovely, mature, professional woman is a doctor at Xavier's School for the Gifted and has testified before Congress on several occasions regarding - Jean (from off-stage):  I *said* that eyeshadow doesn't go with my coloring!  Where did you learn to do makeup, clown college? Announcer:  Ahem.  Yes, the lovely and talented Jean Grey! [Jean huffs but comes out and stands behind the podium next to Scott's.  She is wearing an X-Man uniform with high heels, and a generous amount of blue eyeshadow.] Announcer:  Last but certainly not least, this young lady is a part-time X-Man and part-time art teacher.  Please welcome Rogue! [Marie comes out and stands beside Jean, waving a little to the audience.  She is wearing her skin-tight leather uniform and gloves.  Logan raises an eyebrow at her as she glances over at him and Marie blushes.] Announcer:  It's time to play - the weakest link!  [For a few moments, Magneto only stands in the center while the contestants look at him expectantly.  Finally, one of the guards comes over and pokes at him a little with a nightstick, giving him a dark look.] Magneto:  Fine!  Fine, you cretin!  If you insist on having me participate in this unconscionable sham I shall do so.  But be warned.  There is a war coming.  You shall - Guard:  AHEM! Magneto:  Fine.  [Flips through index cards.]  I suppose you all are familiar with the rules of the game.  Scott:  Actually - Magneto:  Good, then let's proceed, shall we?  Ahem.  First question.  [Looks at index card, reads to himself.]  Really, are these supposed to be difficult?  I mean, even that hairy beast man will know the answers to questions like these.  It is truly evidence of your vast inferiority that you - Guard:  AHEM!  [Taps nightstick against his palm in a threatening manner.] Magneto:  Very well.  Storm.  What is the capital of the state of Pennsylvania? Storm (smiling because she knows the answer):  Harrisburg.  Magneto:  Yes.  How lovely for you.  I see that you have managed to learn what any elementary school child would - Guard:  Next question! Magneto (grumbling under his breath):  As soon as I get out of jail, you, my night stick wielding friend, will be the first to feel my wrath!  (more clearly)  Yes.  Wolverine - Logan:  Grrrr.  Magneto (ignoring him):  How many presidents has the United States had in its history? Logan:  You better stay away from Rogue, bub! Magneto:  Woefully incorrect.  Moving on to one of your less intellectually challenged counterparts - Logan:  GRRR! Magneto (his gaze falls to Scott): - though not by much.  Scott:  Hey!  I'm a lot smarter than Logan! Magneto (sarcastically):  Of course you are.  Look, let's just get this over with, shall we?  What is the formula discovered by Einstein that - Scott:  I know!  I know!  E=mc squared! Magneto (claps dryly, still holding an index card in one hand):  Bra-vo.  Scott: (insulted a little):  Hey!  I got it right, didn't I? Magneto (dryly):  Yes, yes you did.  Oh, joy.  Let us try the doctor, shall we?  To the fifth decimal place, what is the value of Pi? Jean (fluffing her hair a bit as she answers): 3.14159. Magneto:  Very good my dear, much better than I would have expected of someone dressed as a dominatrix streetwalker.  Really, blue is not your color. Jean:  Ooooh!  I told that makeup girl that - Magneto:  Hush.  I grow tired of your screeching.  Next - ah, yes.  Hello my dear, we meet again. Marie (trying to be brave, almost succeeding):  Just ask the question. Magneto:  What, no screaming?  No pleading?  No begging for your miserable life?  I quite enjoyed that last time. Logan:  Back off, metal-head! Magneto (at Logan):  Do not speak unless you are spoken to, you hairy imbecile! (to Rogue)  Very well, your question is  - name a member of Lewis and Clark's Corps of Discovery, other than Lewis or Clark. Marie:  Hey!  That's not fair!  Everyone else got easy questions! Magneto:  Life is not fair, especially for the Homo-Superior.  Tick-tock, my dear.  Do you have an answer to the question? Marie (thinking):  Yes..oh!  I know!  Sakajawea!  Whoo-hoo! Magneto (with disappointed venom):  Correct. Marie:  Ha!  Take that! Magneto:  You just wait until I have you in my grasp again, you little - urrrgghhhh!  (His collar activates, and he chokes a little.)  Logan (agitated):  Don't make me come over there and kick your ass!  You'd better be nice to her, bub! Magneto (panting as the collar is released):  Your bravado is only due to the incapacitation of my powers.  Once I can escape from the clutches of these humans, I shall --(suddenly realizing that the guards are preparing to activate the collar again if he doesn't calm down) - ah, my apologies.  Where were we?  Ah, yes, Storm - Storm:  Bank. Magneto:  I have yet to ask a question. Storm:  I know.  I wish to bank our winnings up to this point.  That is how the game is played.  Magneto (frustrated):  As you wish.  Your question is - How many are there in a baker's dozen?  [Marie shakes her head at the easy question.] Storm:  Thirteen.  Magneto:  Correct.  Now, Wolverine - ah, wait - I see our time is up.  I suppose that now you must vote someone off as the 'weakest link.'  What drivel.  As though any Homo-Superior could be the weakest link.  This show is merely propaganda, I say, racist propaganda! Announcer:  Um, no we're not.  Really.  Anyway - the contestants will now vote off the weakest link.  Statistically, Logan is the weakest link in this round, missing his one and only question.  Rogue appears to be the strongest link, with her strong showing on a difficult question.  Now, let's see how they voted. Magneto (looking over his shoulder and arguing with the guards):  I will *not* do any such thing!  This is ridiculous!  Whoever conceived of this as a part of my 'community service' sentence should be disemboweled!  I swear that once I am free of your cursed - urrrrghhh! [The collar activates, and this time Magneto is out for good.  He's dragged off and a collared Sabretooth is put in his place.] Announcer:  Back to the voting! Sabretooth (clearly uncomfortable, fingering his collar):  Yeah, so - who didya vote for, right? (eyeing storm)  I want you to scream yer vote for me! Storm:  Not in this lifetime.  I voted for Jean. Jean:  What?!  I got mine right!  And I thought we were friends! Storm:  That eyeshadow is an affront to nature.  I cannot stand seeing it even a second longer. Sabretooth:  Quit yer bitchin'.  Who's next?  Who'd you vote off, runt? Logan:  Scooter.  He's a dick. Sabretooth:  Too bad ya didn't vote off your little friend over there. (nods toward Marie)  She and I could go backstage and have a *real* good time.  (leers suggestively at her) Logan:  You leave her alone or you're gonna get somethin' hacked off, ya big hairy mother - *bleep*!  Guards:  Ahem! Sabretooth: Yeah, yeah.  What about you, boy scout? Scott:  Logan.  He got his question wrong and he's not very bright. Logan:  Bite me. Scott:  No, *you* bite *me*! Logan:  Look, One-Eye - Sabretooth:  Shaddup!  You're both a pain in the ass.  Who's next?  The hooker?  Who'd you vote off? Jean:  I'm not a hooker!  I've testified before Congress! Sabretooth:  Tell me another one, lady.  What's yer vote? Jean (suddenly quiet, looking everywhere but her fiancée):  Scott. Scott:  What?  Me?  Jean, how could you?  Jean:  Trust me, Scott it's for the best. Scott:  You just want to stand next to Logan, don't you? Sabretooth:  Shut it.  What's yer vote, luscious? Rogue:  Eeew. Sabretooth:  Yer cute when yer disgusted with me.  I like that in a woman. Rogue (trying to ignore him):  I voted for Jean. Jean:  Rogue! Rogue:  It's the eyeshadow, Jean.  Storm's right.  I just can't take it.  Sabretooth:  So, the hooker's the weakest link.  Bye-bye. [Jean protests, but is led away by the guards, muttering something about makeup girls who are jealous of anyone better looking than they are.  A guard hands Sabretooth a stack of index cards with new questions.] Sabretooth:  Yeah, so, the first question is - uh, who painted some picture called 'Irises?' Storm:  Ah, an easy question for one who has my love of plants.  Van Gogh. Sabretooth:  Heh!  Wrong!  This here card says - oh.  I guess it says Van Gogh.  Next question.  On November 11, 1963, who tied Rocket Richard's lifetime record of 544 goals?  (Logan starts laughing)  Aw, *bleep*!  That's no fair, it's a hockey question! Logan (still laughing):  Gordie Howe.  Shit, everybody knows that. Sabretooth (still grumbling but moving on):  Whatever.  You - Scott:  Bank. Sabretooth:  Wrong!  The answer's four hundred eighty-six!  Ha!  Scott:  I meant 'bank' - to bank our money.  It wasn't an answer to the question. Sabretooth:  Too bad, you're wrong!  Movin' on to the sweet young thing - Logan:  Watch it! Scott:  Hey, what about my question? Sabretooth (ignoring them and strolling over to Rogue's podium):  How 'bout you and me go somewhere after this?  I got a private cell back at the prison. Rogue:  Eeeeew!  Sabretooth:  C'mon, I know you like 'em big and hairy.  I got claws too.  Whaddya say, baby? Logan (on the verge of losing it, gripping the edge of his podium with white knuckles):  You get away from her NOW! Rogue:  Yeah, either ask me a real question or - Sabretooth:  Or you'll lick me all over?  Deal. Rogue:  No, I didn't say that, I - [Logan finally loses it, springs the claws, and dashes over to pounce on Sabretooth.  The guards eventually pull the two mutants apart and haul an unconscious Sabretooth away.] Rogue (with emotion):  Thanks, sugar. Logan (uncomfortable with her sincerity):  Uh, yeah.  I'm goin' back over there.  Rogue (patting Jean's recently vacated podium):  You could stay over here.  You could, ah, protect me much better from right over here, don't you think? Logan (thinking it over):  Well, I did promise to take care of ya. (nervously settling in at Jean's podium)  I guess over here is better. [Storm and Scott exchange a look, then a sigh.  By this time, a new host - Toad - is in place.  He's shuffling through the index cards, but Logan and Rogue only have eyes for each other.] Toad:  OK, more questions!  Storm - uh, hey, what does happen when lightning strikes a toad? Storm (groaning):  I still can't believe they gave me that line. Rogue (to Logan, who can't help staring at her):  So, um, sugar, do you want to, you know, skip out of here and maybe go take me for a burger?  You know how I love red meat ever since getting a little of you in my head. (leaving her podium and sidling up to him, placing a gloved hand on his bare chest)  What do you think?  Sound like more fun than some stupid old game show? Logan (purring at her touch):  Yeah.  Burgers.  Right.  My girl needs food. Rogue:  Uh-huh.  [She leans in closer, sliding her hand down his chest.  He puts both hands on her waist.] Logan:  You wanna, uh, go right now? Rogue:  Sure thing, sugar.  [She winks at him, then leads him off stage.  Toad is still waiting for Storm to answer his question.] Scott:  Uh, host?  Emcee?  Toad?  Next question, please. Toad:  She didn't say what a Toad does yet. Storm (heaving a sigh):  I cannot countenance this any longer.  I am leaving.  Scott:  Wait, Storm - (catches himself, realizing he's the only one left) Hey, if she leaves, does that mean I win?  Toad:  Uh, sure. Scott (excited):  Yea!  What do I win?  What do I win? Announcer:  Scott Summers, you are the strongest link! Scott:  Whoo-hoo!  I knew it!  I knew I'd win! Announcer:  And you win the savings you managed to bank throughout all the rounds - a grand total of $700! Scott:  Great!  Fabulous!  Wonder- uh, wait a second.  We only made $700? Announcer:  That's right, Scott Summers, you've won $700! Scott:  But that won't pay for all the damage Logan did to my bike.  That won't even buy me new handlebars for it. Announcer:  Tune in next week for another special mutant edition of the Weakest Link! [Preview of Remy cursing at the host, Mystique, and Hank answering a difficult question correctly but taking most of the show to explain his answer.] Announcer:  Until next time, ladies and gentlemen!